So not the Drama....

Someone please remind me to work a double shift next Christmas Eve. I don't know why, but every single year we go to my aunt's house to "celebrate" Christmas  Eve (rather wage wars upon each other more like it), either drama or a monotonous family gathering takes place. 

Anyway, this year, an incredibly petty and pointless argument took place. My sister hasn't uttered more than 3 words to me in two days, and I can't help but be concerned. Supposedly, her friend is upset at me for some unbeknownst reason and I'm not necessarily sure how I'm supposed to fix it. It's a long story, so let's begin shall we?

It took place during the gift opening where I drifted off into lalaland and I was thinking about how to pay off my tuition, since the payment was originally due January 2nd. Eventually I come back to planet Earth and all I hear is my sister's friend saying, "(My brother's name) is driving T (my friend) home and we're going home (basically, she's sleeping over)." To that, I respond, "Heh?" Then she goes, "Why are you acting so surprised?" and she has the only nasty face afterwards. There I am dumbfounded, and I observe her for the rest of the gift opening and she's still sour-faced and furiously typing on her smartphone to my friend about some bullshit. Fifteen minutes after the gift opening, we make our way out and I ask my friend, "Let's walk that way."  My sister's friend goes, "You can walk alone." I'm like,"What's your problem tonight?" She's like, "Your aunt and uncle are already making gay jokes about me and your sister, and you put me on the spot!" I'm like, "What are you talking about?" Then she trudges home all angry and whatnot, and I'm so confused. So we get to her house, and I'm like, "What's the problem? If I upset you in some way, then I'm sorry. Next time you have a problem with me, just say it to my face." Then she starts crying. Like, wtf? Dude, the minute someone gets upset about something, I get concerned. To continue, I asked her, "You've been getting jokes like this for a long time. Why are you letting it get to you all of a sudden? What are you mad about?" Still crying and wiping her tears, she goes, "Nothing. I'm not mad." Then I go, "What is it then? I hate seeing you cry!" Afterwards, she goes, "I'm just going to go home." Honestly, does anyone see how petty this shit is? I've been pondering about it for the last two days and I'm literally wondering...What the hell is her deal? 

No offense, but she's gotta grow some thick skin. She wasn't the only one being jeered at the entire night. My cousin was hurling insults at me about my weight and how I'm ugly and how no one will ever love me (romantically) the entire night, and I didn't flinch. Sure it hurts, but he's irrelevant as fuck. Like, he's probably just using his girlfriend to prove he's not gay himself. I hate people. Honest to  God, I wish people would just congregate and help each other out instead of competing and putting each other down just to climb up society's social ladder. The world would be so much of a better place to live in.

At this point, I'm probably not going to interact with my sister's friend anymore since she's just too sensitive. Also.... So I went to the movie theater by myself to watch a movie starring Jennifer Lopez and it was actually one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had in a while. I was happy being in my own company and just complacent with life for a moment. There's three new movies coming out and I think I'll see them all solo. Man....That was great. People should try to do things that are normally a group thing alone at least once in their lives. It's life changing. 

Story time over~

Peace out girl scout, 

        Nicki

Tabula Rasa...

It's almost the end of 2018; thank God 😩 I'm so ready for a fresh start. Reflecting on everything that has happened, I'm not going to lie; I'm worn the hell out. I'm 10 lbs heavier and still stressed and anxious as ever. As a matter of fact, I had a 15-minute silent crying session in bed because I did three 16-hour shifts this week and I haven't done anything fun in a while. The fact that I'm hormonal and on my period at the moment helped me get all this stress and toxic shit out. While I was crying, I was praying to God for better years to come, better friends, a more positive outlook on life, and a better year for my dad. He's gone through a lot this year. The fact that he's been sacrificing his mental and physical health despite being at his limit worries my siblings and I sometimes. I don't understand why my mother just had to leave. She could've just taken the time to work things out. Ugh. I don't necessarily hate her, but I've come to dislike her profusely. She never has anything good to say whenever she comes by and is always talking shit about my dad. Like, bitch; you're the one who wanted the divorce! He just gave you what you wanted! Moreover, my grandmother should probably move out and live with my mom soon because she's getting on everyone's nerves. 

In other news, my cousin just called my sister. Lol, I think she hates me for saying that her mom needed to stop taking advantage of my parents last year. Sorry not sorry, because I'm fed up with my dad complaining about it. She hasn't spoken to me since, and honestly I'll feel some type of way for a minute when she FaceTimes my sister, but at the same time I don't care because it's not like we talked that much anyway. It's whatever. 

All in all, I hope things get better soon. I'd also like to add that I got the .5 position I wanted! I'll finally get some breathing room. God is good. I hope he'll continue to answer my prayers. 

A Work In Progress...

           Lately... I'm just so burnt out. I just don't feel as peppy at work like I used to. I'm really not happy. Like....I know there's co-workers that I talk to outside of work via text, though it never goes beyond that. Somehow I feel as if I've built a wall between me and them; probably because I'm afraid that I'll be overstepping boundaries and parts of my personal life that I don't want other people to know will be leaked and circulated around. I'm almost 24 years old and I still care so much about what others think. I wasn't that self conscious when I was in high school to be honest. Maybe because I was immensely engrossed in doing well in school and staying in the nursing program that I rarely ever had time to give a rat's ass about what others thought of the way I looked or acted. I sort of miss being the quiet and invisible one. You know; the one who has no beef with anyone; at least not that I knew of. 

               Also, I despise the fact that I'm still dwelling on the person I cut off. I'm not going to lie, the shit I did was fucked up. I should've said it to her straight up when I had the chance to. But nope. I said it to someone else who ended up telling her. I guess the reason why I didn't tell her myself (I was planning on doing so eventually) was because I wondered if it was worth continuing the friendship or not. I mean....I guess right now I'm having a hard time forgiving myself even though she did (forgive me and called truce) through text. Honestly, I felt like I kept it going because we were just friends for so long. Besides, I don't know....The longer I stayed around, the less I was reciprocated. It felt one-sided. Moreover, the conversations just became more and more vapid and superficial. We did more rehashing of the past rather than catch up on something new. When something new did come up, it was drama about her other group of friends. I don't know man....Would I wanna talk to her again just to get some sort of official closure? Sure, but question is, would it even be beneficial? Maybe. Though the only thing I'd want in life is for this guilt to go away and to leave the world (when I'm like 100 years old of course) without having beef with anybody. 

                In other news....Things are just getting more and more difficult for my dad and it's sort of being projected upon me. He had a car accident last week while dropping me off to work and it was just...I'm more pissed off than sad that I'm losing money for no reason. Since my dad has already gone through so much shit this year, I might as well alleviate him of the burden by helping him out with some of the finances. Sidenote: By the way, this is one of the reasons why I choose to remain single. A divorce, getting transferred to a farther area for work, and a car accident; hopefully he'll be able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix or make like Ariana Grande after her own share of personal problems. Speaking of helping with the finances, I've decided to start doing double shifts again for several reasons. One, my savings have grown stagnant and haven't grown numerically since the start of last year. Two, I gotta help with the bills; three, I have a bunch of things I gotta save up for (California trip, which I don't know if I'm still going), and four, I just like looking at my bank account have lots of money. Not to mention, the holidays are coming! This year I don't know if I'm getting anything from anyone, which doesn't really matter because the older I grow, the less tangible the gifts I want become. Hopefully God and Santa will gift me with happiness, confidence, courage, strength, energy, and good health. 

                 What else is there? Today I had a presentation for my final paper in English and my nerves were shot. My professor asked a lot of questions and I felt as  if I was ripped a new one. On the bright side, I was one of the very few that got the class to engage and speak to one another. English this semester was undoubtedly hard as hell. More tedious than hard though. Remind me never to take a hybrid class again for the rest of my college career. It's extremely demanding and gives a lot of work. 

                   Besides school, work is just a pain. I'm just sort of over it. I wanna downgrade to a .5 so bad. I'm just so over .8. I feel like I'm there every day. I wanna be in school more and finish quicker. To make it worse, my manager is making me work Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day this year. It's fine because I need the money anyway. God, please help me get through this month as swiftly as possible and I'll be forever thankful. 

Sycamore's Fall

          
      I don't think I remember the last time that I actually posted on this thing. Life happens I guess. Perhaps not enough happens. What can I say? 

      So....Let's start off with my job. After 3 and a half years of working where I work, I just don't feel as motivated as I used to be. As a matter of fact, the excitement that I harbored on my bus ride to work while thinking of my favorite co-workers has vanished since I started working as a Float. I miss having this feeling of belonging with my co-workers during 5-minute staff huddles talking about how to "work smarter, not harder," and how we could improve patient's satisfaction. Boring as it seems, it felt nice having that sort of routine to start of your work day. Throughout my years as a Float, I felt my tight bonds become loose and everyone who was once a close friend slowly became a stranger who I occasionally exchanged awkward hellos and goodbyes, sometimes even small talks with. I feel like a gypsy or a fish out of water. It kinda makes Ariel from The Little Mermaid relatable now. Or was she always? Moreover, I'm tired of working 4 days a week. I feel like I'm at work every single day. Besides being in that building sucks the life out of me. It's like this blood-sucking leech reminding me to make the decision of whether to keep working in the medical field or not. Like, when did nurses even become robots? Where did the hands on, surrogate family, Florence Nightingale way of caring for patients go? Through all my years of being a nursing aide, all I've ever encountered were a bunch of miserable, perpetually-complaining, just-sits-there-on-their-phone-pretending-to-be-documenting, I-did-it-for-the-money jerks. Nurses aren't like what they used to be. They're not as caring or willing to get their hands dirty as they used to. I don't know I'm just sort of burnt out from all the manual labor, and the condescending treatment from some ingrates. I NEED A VACATION; A LONG ONE. 

      As for other things, I don't know why, but I'm still dwelling on fragments of the past. I don't know how my feelings of guilt fluctuate from that to intense dislike of some people I used to associate myself with. I feel as if since I realized how badly these people treated each other behind closed doors, I've come to realize perhaps I'm better off alone. I lost someone who I was friends with for a long time, but what bothered me the most was how she couldn't trust me about certain things and people who weren't even that close to her knew about it. That was basically a giant slap to the face. Perhaps if I wasn't trustworthy after all then I should've cut you off a long time ago. Sometimes I go back and think about how stupid I was to stick it out and give people my time and attention when they weren't even going to reciprocate it. It's stupid. Which is why I've grown cynical over the years and built a wall. But eh...It's over. The only closure I needed was the silence leading up to the end of the friendship. Like my friend's brother once said, "Friends are seasonal. Family and soulmates are forever." This is just my way of self-reflection and probably letting go of the emotional burden that I've been carrying lately.

Until next time,
Nicki

Another one....

I want to so badly get away from everything. It's all causing me to go insane. I don't know....It would also be nice if people would reach out to me first before I did. I'm always the first to do so. I guess people just don't care. I'll have to give up. Slowly, I'm losing all my friendships one by one and realizing maybe this is a sign: 

            It's time to move on. To stop forcing and moving on from things that aren't meant to be. I should stop doing that. I have to go somewhere else distant and make an attempt to find myself. Perhaps I'm not happy because I still don't know what my true calling in life is, and I keep having to hold myself back from doing the things I want just to make others happy. I'm fed up. Sometimes  I wish I was just nonexistent. Or at least able to take myself away from everything. I need a vacation. VERY BADLY. 

           I feel as if ever since I graduated from high school, all I've been doing is work my ass off and not do anything that made me happy. Moreover, it's a little hard to have some confidence in myself since people in my family have done nothing, except put me down my entire life. It may seem like I've developed thick skin, but there's several layers of shattered self-esteem in there. Perhaps that's why I try better than doing my best in things and I just give up when I can no longer do better at something. It's never an in between thing though. 

            Also, it would be nice if there were someone who can just hear me out and not judge me or say things when I'm not asking for it. I vent to people, but then they just stop listening. I don't know. This is why I'm cynical. Thinking of the worst helps me brace for impact. I'll stop trying to chase after people from now on. I'm tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

           When I was young, I always thought that growing up and being in your twenties was going to be a fun thing. Who knew it was going to be a process where one has to work incredibly hard just to achieve happiness and success? How annoying. I'm still trying to figure out the significance of life. I think I want to focus on that for my upcoming philosophy class. I'm intrigued by the notion of it. Life seems to be one of those things that will keep hurling obstacles and hardships your way just to see how strong you really are in a holistic way. Then, once life makes you reach your limit; you snap. I'm on the verge of snapping. Ugh. Perhaps I'm already at that level. I can definitely say for a fact that there's people on the same level as I am. Everyone has got to be fucked up in some way possible, no matter how much they insist that they're normal. Well, I'm off to bed. It's time to out this rant to rest.

Yours truly,
Chick who needs a vacation and coffee ♥️

Alone...

      Do you ever find that no matter how many friends you have or how many people are around you, you still somehow feel alone on the inside and no one understands you? Because I do. I don't know why, but I feel myself getting farther down in the dumps than I usually am again. I've always been asking myself; why am I here? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and working hard towards something, yet I still feel empty inside. Nothing seems to make me happy lately. I go shopping, yet I still don't feel happy. Maybe I'm just so burnt out. My parents have bad blood, my siblings have blood with my mother, and here I am....Stuck in the middle of it all. Taking all this into account, I think I just want some peace and quiet for my birthday. I wish everything would be okay. I wish I was okay. I'm okay physically, but mentally and emotionally; those are questionable. I realized it last year. I overthink things nonstop, and when I realize that I have no control over it, I just sort of...I don't know how to explain it. My heart sinks, causing me to be mentally exhausted. I WISH I WAS NORMAL. Sometimes, I just want to be put into this cryogenic freezer, where they'll put me into a "cold sleep," and then 10 years later, they'll take me out of it, and things will be different (though I hope the changes would be for the better). That would be nice. I guess I'm a little lost. When I was a teenager, I thought that by my mid-twenties, I would somehow have it all figured out. You know, having a job where I make enough money to support myself, living the life of a bachelorette with a room mate, and just living it up, having fun. Moreover, travelling. But no, I'm still financially unstable, have little to no friends, my social skills are shit, I don't know what facial expression to have in public and I suck at meeting new people and having conversations. I NEED NEW HOBBIES THAT DON'T INVOLVE USING MY DEBIT CARD. 

       It would also be nice if the president didn't give the immigrants hell for not having papers. They just want to make money to support their families back home or establish a life worth living. I don't understand. His parents were immigrants from Germany. Hell, his wife wasn't even legal before she married him. The woman barely speaks a lick of English for crying out loud! I feel as if he's just capitalizing on his status as president and he's probably selling us out to Russia as I'm typing this up. Moreover, what he's doing to the immigrant children and their families-it's disgusting. He's basically violating their constitutional rights to live equally in the land of the free. I don't know...This is one of the reasons why my mom decided to leave my dad. I'm just over it. I just feel like a robot that has a routine to wake up everyday, eat, go to school, work, make money, and REPEAT. 

*sigh* FML. 

Excuse my rambling, I'm just on a rampage. This entire entry just happened because I remembered the time when I was in elementary school, while my cousin was in middle school and how his teacher was making him write a paper on "What is the importance of life?" That question kept repeating in my head over and over. It's a really good question to be honest. You can't really have a wrong answer for it. Or can you?

LOVE, 
Fat bitch on her period

2018....What a shitty year to be alive -_-

         Hola folks, or to whomever even bothers to read this sad excuse of a rant blog. 2017 was a massive rollercoaster ride. Get ready for my comprehensive narrative for 2018! It's one hell of a story!

           Alright, where do I even begin? Where did I even leave off? Eh, I'll just start off with whatever comes to the top of my head. 

           First and foremost; I hate people. I mean, I really do. As to why I do, there are just way too many reasons to list. To put it simply, they're fucking complicated. Especially females. We're a catty bunch of shitheads. EXTRA EMPHASIS ON "WE'RE," SINCE I CAN BE A HUGE SHITHEAD MYSELF AT TIMES. To continue, I've decided that if I were to have more female friends in the future, I've decided that I would have to lay out a few ground rules.

1. If the need to call out one another arises, just do it. The reason better be valid. Moreover, it better not be our petty sides doing it.

2. If there's beef, I don't want silent treatment. Address that shit ASAP. I have other people and problems to deal with. You wanna keep that shit up? Okay. BYE FELICIA!!!! 

3. Just because you have an ass and tits, doesn't mean you go around and shame others for the way they look. Of course, unless you're being a shitty human being, I'll call your ass out on that and I'll unleash my fiery and savage wrath on you. I won't take mercy, I can promise you that.

4. If we do have beef, and  you can't seem to think of a more civil way to address it; FIGHT ME BITCH. YO GIRL IS READY. 

5. If there's someone annoying you, tell them in private that you don't appreciate it. Secondly, if the person does look a certain way and doesn't fit the image, or has what it takes to be your friend, just go on your merry fucking way and let them know that: A. They seem like a cool person, it's just that y'all are way too different to mesh, and B. You can make polite suggestions that they need to take better care of their hygiene. Also, if you do talk about them with your so-called "gal pals," all I can ask you is this; Who do you think you are? You're not much of a bargain yourself. Call me a bitch or whatever, but it just might be so damn true.

6. FOLLOW THEM RULES. Okurrrrrr.

Okay, 2018. I'm falling asleep. The melatonin is starting to work. The first half of 2018 has been shitty to be honest. I mean I lost a huge group of friends, especially the ring leader of that group. My other pal said, I just so happened to get sucked into it. Eh, I feel like I did and didn't lose much. I did gain something though. MORALS. Moral of the story is, if you're not really vibin with your squad, it's time to hit the road Jack. Don't turn back. Moreover, if you do ever lose a friend, remember you'll make more as you go through with life. As long as you don't lose yourself in the process of losing someone, you're Gucci bro. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just accidentally scratched my pimple. I'm in such a rampage that I forgot that Karma is a bitch and she'll bite me in the ass. 

Anyway, yeah. My parents are divorcing. My mother is in the process of moving all her crap out of the house into my aunt's house. She's giving my dad the silent treatment, yet she's running her mouth to her "friends" about how she had to deal with him for 23 years and how she's now a free women. *Nicki Minaj voice* Stupid hoe. Like the fuck is this white people shit? Divorce? Really? Y'all couldn't work shit out like other people? So annoying...Now I'm pulling all these doubles just so I can sort of help my dad who she's leaving, with rent and other financial expenses. I'm legitimately stressed the fuck out, which is probably more obvious with the acne if you could see it. 

Also, last weekend, I got hit by a car. I wasn't ran over all the way, but I did end up with a a minor hip bruise. That's another story though. I'm too tired to write some more. 

Chao,

Your girl who is ready <3