Life Update: I'm Taking a Semester off and Other Things

 A lot has happened since my last post up here. Let's start off with the most recent thing that has happened this week. First, I went to my 23 year old cousin's wedding in Pennsylvania with a guy she just met 6 months ago. It involved a lot of socializing. I felt incredibly out of place and everyone was extremely talkative. My anxiety was a bit more social based. I was also very tired and cranky. Since the beginning of August, I've been running on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. 

Also, because I'm taking a semester off from school, the college therapist has decided to cut me off. So now I have a brand new therapist and I met with her on Tuesday. She said that my perfectionist attitude stems from the fact that I was discredited my whole life and that no one has really taken the time to understand me. My homework for this week as well is to tell myself "I'm anxious and that's okay." I've been telling myself this and it helps a bit. Moreover, I've told my therapist about all the stuff that's been bothering me and she said since it was only the first session, it is too early to advise me on everything. So we're basically taking it one issue at a time. I'm also fearing the unknown which is what contributes to the anxiousness. 

Right now, I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. I'm really hoping I'll get better like I did 3 years ago. I do not want to resort to medications just to fix my twisted mind. I'll feel like a zombie. I'm tired of being tired and cynical and being a hateful bitch. I want to be able to have the energy to say hello to people without caring what others think of me, I just want to feel free and enjoy life. I want to be confident. God, please let me become a better person as I get older. I want to get out of my head more. I want to just feel better. Amen.

I KEEP HAVING PANIC ATTACKS

           So this summer officially sucks. The coronavirus is still on the rise, my dog died on my birthday, I'm so concerned with not being able to sleep when I want, I stopped taking melatonin last night, my bank account is practically drained, and I keep having palpitations and it's been giving me panic attacks. I'm really feeling kind of hopeless right now because I have literally been to the ER for palpitations twice this summer and they can't find anything abnormal with my heart. All in all, I think it is stress that has been piling up these past months and I'm a massive nervous wreck right now. I've tried meditation and exercise; nothing is working. I'm even in therapy due to my dog's death. I'm even trying to do some grounding exercises and it's not helping. This year honestly just sucks. And my sister has been witnessing everything, but is very abrasive with her words of wisdom. I haven't been able to speak about it openly with my family because they all think I'm crazy. My sister on the other hand thinks I have obsessive personality disorder because I can't get these dumb thoughts out of my head. I've tried to stop stressing out over dumb things but it's so hard. Even my doctor called me hopeless. She said that I let every little dumb thing bother me and that I'm too young to be stressed. She tried to prescribe me Zoloft and metoprolol, but I said no because they have side effects. She said that she's gone through so many things over the years and that I have no real problems. She also mentioned that I'm such a nervous wreck that she wouldn't be surprised to find out that I had hung myself. Which was pretty fucked up. She's not entirely wrong, but that was very abrasive. She also said to pray to God if I believed in him. God, please help me get better soon. I need to be kept busy so that I'll be able to actually function normally again. God please let me get enough rest tonight that I'll be okay tomorrow. PLEASE HELP ME. Jasper, if you're with God right now; I hope you're doing okay and I hope you're watching over everyone from heaven. I just have to stop putting pressure on myself.