Revolving Sushi🍣

 Today was quite uneventful. I woke up at 9 a.m. because I had a therapy session to attend via Zoom with Anna. After the therapy session, I played a game on my phone called Bubble Nest, which allows me to earn cash while playing, and it keeps my mind focused and occupied, taking my mind off my relationship. Then I fell asleep and slept for a good hour and a half. 

Once I woke up from my nap, my nail salon called me to ask if I had scheduled an appointment for 5 p.m. (I hadn't). Since I was already awake and had been putting off eating since last night, I went to the bathroom, used it, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and threw some clothes on. For dinner, I went to a revolving sushi restaurant in my borough that just opened and had a solo date. Miguel wasn't in town to keep me company, and there wasn't really anyone to call or ask, so I decided to just go alone. Plus, I hated waiting around for a response. So I gave Miguel a glimpse of dinner time during our chat on Messenger. I'm not going to lie, I am actually enjoying my time alone this week, despite occasionally checking my phone to see if he's texted yet. I guess I'm at the beginning stages of detachment and focusing on myself. By detachment, I just fall back, getting busy and taking action so I can achieve the kind of life I want for myself. I do not want any drama this year. If he wants to have drama, it will be his problem to handle, not mine. I hope he doesn't cheat on me again either. If he wants out of this relationship, then fine. The universe will come together to find me a more suitable replacement. I've spoken enough about what I wanted in a man, and I've run out of energy to repeat myself. It's done. I have to stand on business from here on out. 

Aside from revolving sushi, I went to TJ Maxx to window shop, only to defeat the purpose of going there and buy another candle, some shower gels, a new book, and blemish patches. Here are some pictures of the highlight of today: 

1st Week of 2026 Accomplished...

 Well, well, well...The first week of the year has flown by, and I'm in awe. I'm still here. Still striving despite the physical, emotional, and mental fatigue. Good job, Sasha. What is there to say about today?

Where to begin? Well, I started the day off by waking up. OBVIOUSLY. I woke up to a plethora of notifications on my phone and a missed call from my boyfriend. He actually called me five times today. I wonder if he misses me. If he does, he will say it.

On the other hand, I was on the phone for a good 2 hours with Capella, having a conversation with my enrollment specialist about my upcoming enrollment and ways to get through the program. Since pulling the trigger and going for it, I've been quite on edge about things lately. Is my being busy the solution to all my issues? Will this help me become the independent and confident version of myself that I was before Miguel came into my life again? Man, I hope so. I've come to a conclusion: Men are not as attracted to women who are so immersed in them. They want nonchalant women. The type that can leave them at any time and not care.

The ones who simply elevate and move on. Perhaps it's time I follow my friends' advice and make it a reality: Stop making myself so available to Miguel and lock in so I can become the most successful and confident version of myself. That way, I won't need to rely on a partner to validate my existence. And to simply walk away the moment someone crosses me and my boundaries a second time after I have given them a chance to redeem themselves. No ifs, ands, or buts. I will fade away and let people lose me like I used to. Even if it means losing them too, in the process. Maybe that's the only way they will learn. To lose access to me, the kindness and care that I bring to their lives. I just don't have the emotional capacity for people who take me for granted. 

Yup. This guy misses me. He called for the 6th time today. I just got off the phone with him, talking about what he's up to and speaking about my master's degree program. 

Aside from school, I also called Driver's Ed to ask about my lessons and the road test. This will be my second time trying to get my driver's license in 8 years. May things work in my favor this time around. Hopefully, I get my driver's license so I can get my convertible and flex on these hoes. Just kidding. It's been a dream of mine to get a sports car that is a convertible and has a huge spoiler. So I hope it all falls into place soon.

In addition, I went to the mall with Tatiana and got myself some Labubu sweatshirts from Uniqlo. I didn't buy them for the Labubu design, but rather for their comfort and design. Here are some pictures of today's events. There are also pictures of my friends from our 2023 trip because I miss them so much. I hope I have another trip with them again. MANIFESTING THAT SHIT ✨

6/2/2021

           It's been a while since I last posted anything. Where do I begin? For starters, I rekindled a friendship with Essie and I just realized; we're never gonna be as great of friends as we were back in first grade. After about 6 months of correspondence, I just noticed our conversations being incredibly shallow and the only thing we have in common was our past. Honestly, I just didn't think it was going to be a friendship that was going to last and I'm not a fan of stale ass small talk. It even came to a point where I was on a "letting go spree" and posting up "let go"  mantra posts. To be honest, I am sad that the friendship is over, but it seems like a lost cause for me to keep pursuing something that's been long dead. 

         Other than losing Essie as a friend, I've also lost J as a long time friend as well. Instead of it ending due to a feud, it simply I guess faded away and I got the point when she finally posted up this "What I learned from friendships the hard way" video where the guy says "Just because you've been friends with someone for a long time, doesn't mean they're gonna stay the real deal. You could know someone for 3 months and they'll probably be realer than someone you've known for a long time." In other words, she didn't want to be friends anymore. I'd also like to add that when she posted on her story about her son's birthday party, I replied asking when it was going to be and I was left on seen, Like, okay. I guess it was over from that point on. Then 

Consistency...

             I really should start posting more often because a lot weighs on my mind when I don't talk it out or write about it. I used to blog often, but I've gotten lazier as the years passed by. I kind of missed the mousy and bookish version of myself, who was just okay with fading into the background. It was a lot easier that way. No drama. Not as many emotional or internal struggles. Not as plagued with overthinking nor caring about others, that could give, for lack of better words, two shits about me. The emotionally independent version of myself, who was fine with staying in her room, just writing about anything that came to mind. Where my silence spoke louder than any word I could ever speak. I miss my nonchalance and detachment. I want her back. Where I was able to just release my expectations and fixate on things that mattered. I HOPE I GET HER BACK. 

                As for my relationship with my boyfriend, I really hope he will keep his word and treat me with genuine kindness and care from now on. I have cried too many tears to keep up this emotional tug-of-war. I'm feeling holistically exhausted due to the lack of consistency and change on his part. A relationship is a two-way street. It cannot work if only one person is trying to make it work. I pray to God that things will get better. If not, I pray he gives me the strength to walk away from things that are not meant for me. I pray that he will give me a man who is the answer to my prayers. A man whom I feel safe to let my guard down around. A man who will provide, as he says, and is kind and gentle when faced with challenges and conflicts. A man who can control his temper. A man who is kind to his mother. A man who will not make me cry tears of sorrow or misery. A man who is not shaped by toxic masculinity and is genuinely kind. A man who is faithful to his woman.

            Not just a man. AN ACTUAL MAN. Don't get me wrong, he's a good man. However, like any human being, there is always room for improvement. I don't want him to be better only for me, but also for himself. I don't want him carrying the weight of resentment towards himself for the rest of his life. I want him to do this because he wants to. I do not want him doing this against his wishes. May he become the man for me as well as the man he wants to be, or may I be given the courage to walk away from someone I love~

            Aside from the emotional heaviness I've been experiencing, my boyfriend is out of town for the week. And now, I have free rein to carry out my week the way I have to. Well, I always do. Though I guess this is my chance to come back into my element as the woman I am in love with. I fear that I have neglected her for too long while overfunctioning in this relationship. Hence, this is why I am pouring all my thoughts here. I have not done this since July. It sucks how I only ever do this when things are weighing heavily on me, and there's no one to really talk to who gets it. I have to get out of that routine. Let me get back to being the girl who enjoyed her alone time and held her own. Time to show this blog some love again. MANIFESTING ✨

            On another note, I went to a Brooklyn Cafe with my sister's triplet friend, Reenie. It was quite fun. The kind of lowkey, chill, not over-the-top fun. Where I could be the quiet listener and observer. I have been feeling quite under the weather since this winter began, so it was a good way for me to conserve some energy. Besides that, I'm quite thrilled that Reenie is breaking into the dating scene and putting herself out there. I sincerely hope she meets the perfect match for her, and her search will be cut short. May he make her feel loved and let her do the same without overgiving. May she not just accept the love she thinks she deserves. See the book reference I'm making? 😉 Let me share the photos of today's moments. This is all I have for now. Until then, to God be the glory 🕊 

          

Contemplation

 Today I had an interview with another hospital in the same town. At last, one of my prayers have been answered. Thank God. The interview lasted a little more than the standard half hour, though whether they will select me still hangs in the air. The interviewer asked me scenario based questions, my strengths and weaknesses, and how I handle being under pressure, as well as constructive criticism and correction. Although I was a little nervous and fidgety, I quite enjoyed our conversation. I really hope I am the one she selects for this position. If not, then maybe it's not meant to happen right at this moment. Maybe I'm meant to go back to the hospital I used to work at. If so, I hope the opportunity comes around where I am given a sign that I am. I really miss working there. I miss working in a team and being part of the reason why a patient strives, thrives, not just survive. After I got home, I was so overcome with emotion due to everything that was going on and just started crying. My emotions at that moment were so intense. Then I attended therapy on Zoom. I told my therapist the situation and she confirmed that what my boyfriend was doing was indeed emotional cheating. He said he spoke to her with the intention of being a friend, but it just bothered me how he's pouring all his time and words onto her, but not on me. Will I ever be able to fully trust him again? Aside from that, he told me that my bringing up his past constantly and telling him that he indeed used those girls back them caused me to kill the soft and gentle side he had for me. He also said he hated me for doing that back then. That he doesn't believe anything I say anymore. Nor does he believe that I genuinely care about him anymore. If I didn't think he changed or cared, then I wouldn't still be here. Nor would I have said a single word to him this week. I can't keep getting hurt. I'm constantly crying. I feel drained. Until his actions match his words, maybe I'll just spend my times alone for now. I've been engaging in some self-care lately. I got my nails done earlier. I had them cut shorter and painted red with a hibiscus-like design. For tomorrow morning, I will wake up early, go to the gym, and then go to my lash lift and tinting appointment. Ya know what? Let me handle my situation similar to how I did when Jennifer broke up with me (friendship breakup). I went to the gym almost every day off I had, worked as many overtime shifts as possible, and just poured a lot of energy into me. I think it's about damn time that I really remember who I was before my boyfriend came into my life. Yes, the intrusive thoughts about his past still come up, but it's mostly jealousy at this point. Because I care about him so damn much. If I didn't, then I would simply not even bother with him and go about my day ogling guys that look like Greek gods at the gym. Not gonna lie, my town's men are not that good-looking- as per my standards at least. I would've gone around talking to my guy friends and telling them I'm thinking about them. Moreover, I am a woman with values and morals. I'm not even friendly with men or women like that. I only really talk to other guys who are my friends when I feel it is safe enough to open up to them like family. Nor would I hide it from him. I literally tell him everything, so why hide it from me if it was harmless? I never really got the reason why he never told me about it. Man, I'm exhausted. I really hope I'll have it in me to implement my friend's advice soon. Act unbothered; live my best life; do my hair, nails, and makeup. Well, I hope I get this job so I can afford to do all that. God please let everything that is good start gravitating towards me. If it's not meant to be with Miguel, please give me the courage to walk away without feeling so defeated to the point that it interferes with my life. Please let me heal these wounds and turn this chapter of my book into a story that others and I can learn from. Honestly, I hope I do end up being the best woman he's had the opportunity of being loved by and the one who got away. Let him punch the air for a while. I feel like a glow up (inside and outside) and being the one who wishes him nothing but the best would be the best revenge I could give him. Not out of vengeance, but as a great parting gift to him and myself. Well, I have nothing else to really say at this moment. I shall write again soon~

Will things get better from here?

Wow, it's been a while. I don't know if things are getting better. Things have been quite rocky between me and my boyfriend. Lately, I just don't feel the same kind of love and softness from him. I feel like an annoyance and inconvenience to him because of the way he talks to me sometimes. He hasn't been initiating phone calls, messages, or acting as though he wants me around these days. Then, I had a gut feeling on Saturday- that he was talking to his female friend Mochi (the one he met at a convention back in 2023). I asked him if he was talking to her again, and he said yes, but when I saw the messages between him and her, I felt some type of way. Jealousy. Because he was giving her more attention and energy messaging her than he was with me, his girlfriend. The energy and attention I've been asking for for a while now. When I voiced my concerns, he instantly resorted to "She has a boyfriend!" Then I saw Mochi say "Thinking of you," with his response being "Thinking of you too." His messages to her were paragraphs upon paragraphs. When I told him about my discomfort, he asked, "Do you want me to delete her? Do you not want me to speak to her anymore?" I then asked him, "Would that be okay with you?" He was like "I would have to be." Then I was like, "Remember when you told me about how Katelyn (his ex) was speaking to Victor (former friend) behind your back, and after you guys broke up, she said she was talking to him and enjoyed their conversations together? Now they're married to each other? Well, it sort of feels that way for me. It feels like cheating. Emotional cheating." Then my boyfriend got belligerent and said, "If that is cheating, then get the hell out of my house!" I asked, "Why would you say that?" He responded, "If that is cheating, I would rather stay single. I don't deserve you, then. I don't want to see you right now." Then I said, "My friends are waiting for us at the restaurant." He says, "I don't care. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to shower." So then we went to dinner with our friends, and there was radio silence between us. After dinner with them, he took me along to the beach and we spoke for a bit. He took the Polaroids of us that were pasted onto the dashboard and sun visors of his car. When I asked him if he still wanted this and loved me, he said, "I'm not answering that. If I wanted to break up with you, I would do it myself. But right now, I just can't do it anymore. Give me my stuff back." Then I asked him, "Why do you want to keep the photos?" He said, "So I have a reminder of what I lost. And so I don't do it again." I told him, "Well, I'm still here. You can either work together, or we just go our separate ways." He said, "Well, I'll have to be okay with it. I'm kind of pissed right now because it's getting late and I have to go to bed soon, and I just wanted to watch the Manny Pacquiao fight. Let's go to my aunt's house. It's my cousin's birthday today. There's a party." So we then went to the party. There were a lot of people. I had a nice chat with his cousin Karina and her friend about nursing since Karina is in nursing school and her friend is a preschool teacher, which is something I can relate to since I'm a school nurse for special needs preschool kids. When I sat at the table with his parents and his aunts, his aunts kept asking him when he was going to put a ring on my finger and if I had asked him for one yet. I was like "Maybe in two years." Then his aunts told me, "He was always single because the girls wanted him, but he doesn't want them." Then I said, "Well, I chose him *points to him*." The party was fun, but the effects of the shot of tequila his aunt gave us the day after were not. We both could not sleep. 

Fast forwarding to the day after (yesterday), I was running on 3 hours of sleep, feeling dejected. I had not eaten or drunk anything due to the issue between us. Things had been weighing heavily on my mind since that night. I went to his house before he came home to pick him up, since my aunt said that her grandson has a birthday party and she said to bring my bf. His mom asked me if everything was okay. I told them, "I don't know if it's okay to open up to you guys." I was trying to hold back tears. His mom said it's okay to cry, but I had to try not to do so. Being asked if I am okay when I know I'm not hurts not only emotionally, but physically. It's as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I told them what had happened and what he said Saturday night, and how I haven't been feeling seen or heard, and how his friend has been receiving all the energy that I've been asking for. His dad said, "He said that to you?" His dad then told me, "I'm going to talk to Miguel. But first, you two need to have an honest conversation about how you both feel and what you both want from each other. Lay your cards out on the table." His mom said, "Miguel always says he loves you. he comes home for a bit, then tells us that he's coming over to your house. So it's strange that he would do something like that. It's okay. I'll talk to him." After that, Miguel and I went to my aunt's house. There I met her friends and co-workers who knew me from when I was a PCA, too. Man, do I miss working there. Zorina advised me to get in contact with one of the managers there and to email them saying I am willing to work any shift. So I followed what she said and called up the manager of 4A/4C Raquel. Raquel told me to apply for two positions (part-time day and night) once they become available to external applicants, since they're internal postings for the time being. Maria, the director of maternity told me that she forwarded my resume to all the senior directors. So I really hope to God someone will take me into the hospital soon. For now, I will have to stay grateful that the wonderful nurse whom I substituted for during her maternity leave is letting me pick up shifts for her for when she wants to use her PTO, and I have a small gig with the health fair nursing. During the party, he played with the children and enjoyed the food. Seeing him play with the children was endearing and told me that he was going to be a great father one day. I'm not sure if it will be with my children, but only one can hope. 

As for the aftermath after that incident with my boyfriend, he said he did not like that I opened up to his parents about our conflict because, as his dad said, "This is between you guys. But thanks for speaking with us about it." I did not do it to get him in trouble, but because his mom saw it in my face that I was not okay. He told me he also doesn't like that I'm justifying my actions. I apologized for opening up to them. His mom said I can talk to her anytime. His response was, "It's okay, but I need you to not do that again. If you do, I cannot stop you. Like I said, there's no need to apologize." He also spoke about how I told him not to tell the friend group about it, since gossip goes around and circles back to me. So I asked that he open up to others outside of it. When I asked him in the car, "Is your heart still in this?" He said, "I'm still in this. Otherwise, I would not be taking you out for ice cream. I know you like to have something sweet after dinner. And it may not seem like I'm paying attention, but I am." And then I told him, "Patricia usually gives you the benefit of the doubt, but since your actions aren't matching your words at the moment and you're not talking to me like a partner does, she says you're a chooch. Basically, a clown. She told me to end it with you if you continue to be this way. But here I am, hoping you will treat me better. My friends said not to let you talk to me that way or disrespect me. My brother also said to break up with you if you're treating me badly. I pray every day and night that things will get better, that one day we'll both get to a point where we're okay being soft and vulnerable with each other. If you ever talk to me or treat me that way again, I will have to walk away. That's not how people who love each other talk to each other." He said, "I'm sorry. I understand." 

For now, I guess I'll give him space for a couple of days or the rest of the week. I'll go reflect on things too. I do hope things look up for me regardless of what happens between me and him. I hope I don't have to water myself down just for him to be okay with me. God help me. Amen.

What does seeing two foxes mean?

           A lot has happened since my last entry. As I've mentioned before, I was unemployed for three months. I was working as a contract nurse for an agency from December to April, and I'm back to being unemployed. To be honest, I kind of regret quitting my hospital job, but due to my dad not letting me miss my cousin's baby shower, I quit, thinking that I would have a better chance of finding a new job. Man, it's so hard. I feel like I have no purpose in life right now. I feel as though life is passing me by, and I don't feel like what typical thirty-year-olds feel like- married, working on having their first child with their partner, building a home and life together. Also, having an income that makes one comfortable enough to live. 

            Aside from being unemployed, my relationship isn't doing well right now. I feel like I've messed everything up with retroactive jealousy and constant questioning about his past. His past didn't sit well with me, but I stayed in hopes that things would get better. Due to my insecurity and overthinking, as well as comparing myself and not receiving reassurance, I would question my worth to him. Moreover, due to my reactions to the things he would tell me, he recently told me that he doesn't know if he will ever be able to open up to me about anything, and if the damage is reversible. So I would keep asking him if this relationship was something he wanted to continue, but he's not giving me a direct answer. I just want to know where I stand now so I can start the grieving process or grow with him. He's told me that losing me means that he will lose a potential wife and mother to his children. The issue is, right now, he has no interest in talking to me, and I'm not sure he even wants to hear from me or see me. Whenever I call him, I'm met with coldness and irritation now. I would like to keep trying if he wants to. I just want to know if he still wants me by his side or not. I love him, but I will need to put my self-respect first at some point. He used to talk about how silent treatment isn't something he likes, but now he's giving it to me. I will give him some space. Well, I hope we reach a resolution. And hopefully, the foxes that we saw at the beach the other night will be a good sign that things will get better. I hope I get better. And may things start looking up for me regardless of him being with me or not. I'm leaving most of this to God now. I pray things do get better.

Clarity...

         A lot has happened in almost two years. Maybe I should start blogging more often to unload everything that has been incessantly weighing on my mind. Remember when I said I was working as an RN in the hospital that I started as a PCA in? After a year of working and about 7 more months of determining whether I should quit or not, I have reached THAT point. I QUIT. I drafted that resignation letter back in September 2023 and I didn't think that I would actually do it. It wasn't easy, but I had to do what was needed to preserve my sanity and empathy. I started off as night shift, but it just wasn't agreeing with my body. Dayshift came along after a while of fighting for it, though it left me feeling defeated upon finding out how much worse it was than nightshift. That one Thursday in August was the final straw. I was passing out medications, one of which included a narcotic and my patient needed help. The patient, who usually fought to walk to the bathroom using a walker, decided he would rather use a bedpan because he was in too much pain to walk. I asked the PCA if she could walk him and she said no. I told her that I was passing medications and then she went on to tell me to do it myself and questioned why I don't ever help with patient care. But I was. I was coming in and out of one of my rooms the entire morning toileting the patient who was bleeding internally while having an infusion of blood thinners. During that exchange, the assistant manager came along and asked what was happening- I told her, "The patient wants to use the bedpan, but I am passing medications right now." After hearing what I said, she goes into the patient's room and toilets the patient herself. So I followed her and told her "I HAVE BEEN HELPING ROOM 4 ALL DAY. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. YOU ALSO SAW ME GOING IN AND OUT OF THAT ROOM HELPING THAT PATIENT." She goes "I know." So...that night after my shift, after some contemplation, I decided to go ahead and send the email. My boss had no qualms and without hesitation, he responded with good luck and asked me when my last day would be so he could post my position. I was pretty taken aback, but then again, I wasn't really surprised. I knew how much he disliked me. So now, I am approaching my third month of being unemployed and honestly, I feel like I am more depressed than I ever was when I had a job. Yeah, I was burnt out, but at least I was generating income. Man...life is a paradox. Since then I've been going through a spiral of thoughts regarding my career, my life, my relationship (yeah, I have a boyfriend), and everything that comes to mind. I am not used to not doing anything or not having a routine. My hospital career was what gave me purpose. Now, I don't know. I have been actively applying for jobs and have gone to 2 interviews (they never followed up to let me know if I got the position or not), but someone has yet to give me a chance. God willing things will start to come together and give a sign that things will be okay. I have another interview this Tuesday, but I won't get my hopes too high. I will leave this in God's hands. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm still grateful to be given a chance to wake up every morning and try to do things that I say I will do although it's hard to follow through sometimes. Well, that's all I can say about that topic. 

        As for my relationship lately, I somewhat dislike the person I am becoming. I am doing this I thought I would never be capable of doing. I am becoming jealous, paranoid, and distrusting. I hate it. Maybe I am kind of judging his past actions, but I don't know. Oddly, I feel like I orchestrated this whole relationship to happen. He never planned to tell me he liked me. He had to be pushed to ask me to be his girlfriend and to tell me those three little words. He always asks if I want XYZ. I always feel as though I have to tell him what to do or what to get. There's a lack of spontaneity. He asks me "Are you allergic to flowers?" He doesn't just go and get me flowers. God, please give me a sign if we are a good match or not. Because there have been times when he has shown that he is unsure about whether I am the one or not. He's a great guy and has shown me tremendous support in the lowest point of my life at this moment, but something feels off. He has told me a few times that he jokingly told his friend that they would get married if they were still single by 35 in middle school. What if he's waiting until he's 35 because he may still be carrying a torch for her? Also, last night when I mentioned that our friend told me that he and him were discussing who they were more sexually interested in between my female friend and I before him and I got together; he said he was not going to answer that question because I would end up finding something to be upset over. I basically got my answer from his hesitation. Then I told him he should've pursued her instead. I don't know, but my confidence since I entered a relationship has gone through an all-time low. I was more confident and took better care of myself when I was single. Maybe I just need to learn to genuinely love myself before I go and give it to someone else. Am I a better friend than a lover? Hopefully, things pan out soon. May I gain some clarity and peace of mind soon~ 

        I really miss the old days when my overthinking only revolved around school and exams. I could give less of a crap about what people thought about me and if I was invited to things or not. I'm gonna be real here, but it really is hard to heal and grow in an environment where your growth is being hindered for other people's comfort. 

The Older I get...

 I can't believe it's been almost three years since I touched this blog. A lot has happened. Several people have come and gone; people are still going. I'm also continuing to outgrow people. As a matter of fact, a part of me was saying to let go, but I just had hard time doing so. In addition, I at least didn't have to have the burden of being the one to make them go. 

The older I get, the more I just want quality people in my life. Like the ones who check on me and are reliable just like how I am for them. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet them yet. It's as if I had allowed them to become so used to me reaching out to them first that it's made them lazy to do their part. It all feels so one-sided. I'm always an after thought. Only called upon when it seems that I have done something wrong or they need a favor. When my name is brought up in conversation, there just never seems to be anything positive said. I am no one's favorite person. It's exhausting watering dead plants. The minute you stop watering them, they suddenly want to perk up and look into why you've detached yourself. This is making me into such a cynical human being and it's not good, but it's becoming harder to preserve my faith in mankind. 

If no one wants to reciprocate the same energy as I do, then I would rather just be alone. Not just alone- but alone in the way that I've come to terms with being okay in solitude and simply at peace. Not overthinking about a single thing. In addition, I no longer have the desire to force relationships with people. If I'm putting all the effort in, then that's not a relationship anymore now is it? You're just simply an idiot if you continue to carry on with a lost cause.

Now it's all a matter of me coming to terms with it and not giving a fuck. That way, I'll be able to stay focused and out of my way. I am almost 30. Excessive playtime should have been over years ago. I have to quit playing around and get my finances in check. With financial stability, I at least will be able to move out of my toxic household and live comfortably. I need GOD to continue giving me the will to push through and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything right now is just testing my will to go on with  life. 

I almost forgot to mention; I'm a registered nurse now. I feel as if the only thing that has improved is my salary. Other than that, I'm at my wit's end. I am burnt out. I'm always exhausted from working 12 -hour night shifts and dealing with the high demands of the job. I just wish things would start looking up and that things will start working in my favor. I'm grateful to be able to wake up every evening to get ready for a decent-paying job, but I hope to God that better days are coming. I don't want to start suffering major health problems from stress and working night shift. Dear God I pray that my anxiety will stop. Please make it stop. 

I Just Need a Miracle....

 God, please help me. Please help me get out of these anxious habits of checking my heart rate, being so concerned with the way I breathe, looking at the color of my urine every time I urinate, and checking my weight obsessively. I just want to be normal again. I want to be like the way I was when I was able to go to school in person and I just want to be a better version of myself. I wish my anxiety would diminish already. I'm a wreck... My therapist is so nice, but it's so hard to bring in good news every time I come in to see her. My professor for nursing stresses me out and I don't know if I want to keep pursuing this path. I'm so close to giving up with the program. I wish I could be mentally fit like I was in 2018, 2019, and the first half of 2020. I really miss Jasper. He was my therapy dog and dose of serotonin. I just wish he had stayed longer. He was just kind enough to stay around until I turned 25 at midnight. But he's with you now, God. With Lolo, Lola, and Kuya RB. I just want to stop being at war with myself on a daily basis. I just wish that the people that I loved didn't leave so soon. 

In addition, more and more health issues keep coming up because of the stress I bring onto myself. I wish I could stop doing that. Speaking of health issues, I had a bad sinus infection after getting the first COVID shot and then two weeks later, my ear started ringing with a high-pitched hiss and it's still here. I went to an ENT and they said that I have very bad allergies, that my adenoids grew back, and that my ears are full of fluid. They prescribed me steroids for 5 days, but I only took it for three days because I was having lots of side effects. The doctor told me to stop taking it and to use Flonase and a decongestant. God, I hope this sound in my ear is real and I'm not imagining it. I wish it would go away. I wish I had a strong-headed personality like Erika and care-free demeanor like Mary. They're both so kind and willing to stay up with me at night through FaceTime when I'm having really bad nights where I won't sleep at all. 

As for my family, sometimes I wish they would be more understanding of what I am going through instead of telling me to calm down and to stop thinking so much. 2021 was starting off nicely, but it seems like a roller coaster right now. I wish that my physical and mental health would get better soon. I just want to be happy again. I wish COVID would go away. 

God, please answer my prayers.

-S.A.

God thanks for another day...

 As the rest of 2020 progresses, I'm realizing that I should be glad that I'm still here. God, thank you for letting me fall asleep even for just a little bit tonight. Thank you for getting rid of my anxiety for those few hours of sleep. Thank you. Thank you for letting some of my lower back pain disappear. Thank you for helping me shed the water weight. Thank you for giving me a chance to live and breathe another day.

I just hope that things start to get better, and I hope my back problems go away soon. Please let my breathing problems go away and please get rid of my heartburn and my stomach issues. Please help me with my anxiety and help me stop worrying about my breathing. 

In addition, I'm really thankful for Mary and Erika. They've been there for me and listening to my problems and worries and still support me. I wish they will be happy in 2021 and I hope good things happen to them. I'm grateful for the late nights where they stayed up with me and made sure I eventually fell asleep. I hope we'll be able to do it again. 

Today I went to the therapist. We mostly discussed my health problems and my relationships with my family, my friends, and former friends. I've realized or actually I know that I tend to personalize things and blame myself 100% for things that two people or more should take the blame for. I wish I could stop apologizing for myself even though it's not necessary. I wish I could stop fearing the unknown and just live life. I wish my health problems would go away soon. GOD, PLEASE LET ME GET BETTER SOON. Amen.