God, please help me. Please help me get out of these anxious habits of checking my heart rate, being so concerned with the way I breathe, looking at the color of my urine every time I urinate, and checking my weight obsessively. I just want to be normal again. I want to be like the way I was when I was able to go to school in person and I just want to be a better version of myself. I wish my anxiety would diminish already. I'm a wreck... My therapist is so nice, but it's so hard to bring in good news every time I come in to see her. My professor for nursing stresses me out and I don't know if I want to keep pursuing this path. I'm so close to giving up with the program. I wish I could be mentally fit like I was in 2018, 2019, and the first half of 2020. I really miss Jasper. He was my therapy dog and dose of serotonin. I just wish he had stayed longer. He was just kind enough to stay around until I turned 25 at midnight. But he's with you now, God. With Lolo, Lola, and Kuya RB. I just want to stop being at war with myself on a daily basis. I just wish that the people that I loved didn't leave so soon.
In addition, more and more health issues keep coming up because of the stress I bring onto myself. I wish I could stop doing that. Speaking of health issues, I had a bad sinus infection after getting the first COVID shot and then two weeks later, my ear started ringing with a high-pitched hiss and it's still here. I went to an ENT and they said that I have very bad allergies, that my adenoids grew back, and that my ears are full of fluid. They prescribed me steroids for 5 days, but I only took it for three days because I was having lots of side effects. The doctor told me to stop taking it and to use Flonase and a decongestant. God, I hope this sound in my ear is real and I'm not imagining it. I wish it would go away. I wish I had a strong-headed personality like Erika and care-free demeanor like Mary. They're both so kind and willing to stay up with me at night through FaceTime when I'm having really bad nights where I won't sleep at all.
As for my family, sometimes I wish they would be more understanding of what I am going through instead of telling me to calm down and to stop thinking so much. 2021 was starting off nicely, but it seems like a roller coaster right now. I wish that my physical and mental health would get better soon. I just want to be happy again. I wish COVID would go away.
God, please answer my prayers.
-S.A.
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