Clarity...

         A lot has happened in almost two years. Maybe I should start blogging more often to unload everything that has been incessantly weighing on my mind. Remember when I said I was working as an RN in the hospital that I started as a PCA in? After a year of working and about 7 more months of determining whether I should quit or not, I have reached THAT point. I QUIT. I drafted that resignation letter back in September 2023 and I didn't think that I would actually do it. It wasn't easy, but I had to do what was needed to preserve my sanity and empathy. I started off as night shift, but it just wasn't agreeing with my body. Dayshift came along after a while of fighting for it, though it left me feeling defeated upon finding out how much worse it was than nightshift. That one Thursday in August was the final straw. I was passing out medications, one of which included a narcotic and my patient needed help. The patient, who usually fought to walk to the bathroom using a walker, decided he would rather use a bedpan because he was in too much pain to walk. I asked the PCA if she could walk him and she said no. I told her that I was passing medications and then she went on to tell me to do it myself and questioned why I don't ever help with patient care. But I was. I was coming in and out of one of my rooms the entire morning toileting the patient who was bleeding internally while having an infusion of blood thinners. During that exchange, the assistant manager came along and asked what was happening- I told her, "The patient wants to use the bedpan, but I am passing medications right now." After hearing what I said, she goes into the patient's room and toilets the patient herself. So I followed her and told her "I HAVE BEEN HELPING ROOM 4 ALL DAY. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. YOU ALSO SAW ME GOING IN AND OUT OF THAT ROOM HELPING THAT PATIENT." She goes "I know." So...that night after my shift, after some contemplation, I decided to go ahead and send the email. My boss had no qualms and without hesitation, he responded with good luck and asked me when my last day would be so he could post my position. I was pretty taken aback, but then again, I wasn't really surprised. I knew how much he disliked me. So now, I am approaching my third month of being unemployed and honestly, I feel like I am more depressed than I ever was when I had a job. Yeah, I was burnt out, but at least I was generating income. Man...life is a paradox. Since then I've been going through a spiral of thoughts regarding my career, my life, my relationship (yeah, I have a boyfriend), and everything that comes to mind. I am not used to not doing anything or not having a routine. My hospital career was what gave me purpose. Now, I don't know. I have been actively applying for jobs and have gone to 2 interviews (they never followed up to let me know if I got the position or not), but someone has yet to give me a chance. God willing things will start to come together and give a sign that things will be okay. I have another interview this Tuesday, but I won't get my hopes too high. I will leave this in God's hands. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm still grateful to be given a chance to wake up every morning and try to do things that I say I will do although it's hard to follow through sometimes. Well, that's all I can say about that topic. 

        As for my relationship lately, I somewhat dislike the person I am becoming. I am doing this I thought I would never be capable of doing. I am becoming jealous, paranoid, and distrusting. I hate it. Maybe I am kind of judging his past actions, but I don't know. Oddly, I feel like I orchestrated this whole relationship to happen. He never planned to tell me he liked me. He had to be pushed to ask me to be his girlfriend and to tell me those three little words. He always asks if I want XYZ. I always feel as though I have to tell him what to do or what to get. There's a lack of spontaneity. He asks me "Are you allergic to flowers?" He doesn't just go and get me flowers. God, please give me a sign if we are a good match or not. Because there have been times when he has shown that he is unsure about whether I am the one or not. He's a great guy and has shown me tremendous support in the lowest point of my life at this moment, but something feels off. He has told me a few times that he jokingly told his friend that they would get married if they were still single by 35 in middle school. What if he's waiting until he's 35 because he may still be carrying a torch for her? Also, last night when I mentioned that our friend told me that he and him were discussing who they were more sexually interested in between my female friend and I before him and I got together; he said he was not going to answer that question because I would end up finding something to be upset over. I basically got my answer from his hesitation. Then I told him he should've pursued her instead. I don't know, but my confidence since I entered a relationship has gone through an all-time low. I was more confident and took better care of myself when I was single. Maybe I just need to learn to genuinely love myself before I go and give it to someone else. Am I a better friend than a lover? Hopefully, things pan out soon. May I gain some clarity and peace of mind soon~ 

        I really miss the old days when my overthinking only revolved around school and exams. I could give less of a crap about what people thought about me and if I was invited to things or not. I'm gonna be real here, but it really is hard to heal and grow in an environment where your growth is being hindered for other people's comfort.