The Older I get...

 I can't believe it's been almost three years since I touched this blog. A lot has happened. Several people have come and gone; people are still going. I'm also continuing to outgrow people. As a matter of fact, a part of me was saying to let go, but I just had hard time doing so. In addition, I at least didn't have to have the burden of being the one to make them go. 

The older I get, the more I just want quality people in my life. Like the ones who check on me and are reliable just like how I am for them. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet them yet. It's as if I had allowed them to become so used to me reaching out to them first that it's made them lazy to do their part. It all feels so one-sided. I'm always an after thought. Only called upon when it seems that I have done something wrong or they need a favor. When my name is brought up in conversation, there just never seems to be anything positive said. I am no one's favorite person. It's exhausting watering dead plants. The minute you stop watering them, they suddenly want to perk up and look into why you've detached yourself. This is making me into such a cynical human being and it's not good, but it's becoming harder to preserve my faith in mankind. 

If no one wants to reciprocate the same energy as I do, then I would rather just be alone. Not just alone- but alone in the way that I've come to terms with being okay in solitude and simply at peace. Not overthinking about a single thing. In addition, I no longer have the desire to force relationships with people. If I'm putting all the effort in, then that's not a relationship anymore now is it? You're just simply an idiot if you continue to carry on with a lost cause.

Now it's all a matter of me coming to terms with it and not giving a fuck. That way, I'll be able to stay focused and out of my way. I am almost 30. Excessive playtime should have been over years ago. I have to quit playing around and get my finances in check. With financial stability, I at least will be able to move out of my toxic household and live comfortably. I need GOD to continue giving me the will to push through and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything right now is just testing my will to go on with  life. 

I almost forgot to mention; I'm a registered nurse now. I feel as if the only thing that has improved is my salary. Other than that, I'm at my wit's end. I am burnt out. I'm always exhausted from working 12 -hour night shifts and dealing with the high demands of the job. I just wish things would start looking up and that things will start working in my favor. I'm grateful to be able to wake up every evening to get ready for a decent-paying job, but I hope to God that better days are coming. I don't want to start suffering major health problems from stress and working night shift. Dear God I pray that my anxiety will stop. Please make it stop.