Contemplation

 Today I had an interview with another hospital in the same town. At last, one of my prayers have been answered. Thank God. The interview lasted a little more than the standard half hour, though whether they will select me still hangs in the air. The interviewer asked me scenario based questions, my strengths and weaknesses, and how I handle being under pressure, as well as constructive criticism and correction. Although I was a little nervous and fidgety, I quite enjoyed our conversation. I really hope I am the one she selects for this position. If not, then maybe it's not meant to happen right at this moment. Maybe I'm meant to go back to the hospital I used to work at. If so, I hope the opportunity comes around where I am given a sign that I am. I really miss working there. I miss working in a team and being part of the reason why a patient strives, thrives, not just survive. After I got home, I was so overcome with emotion due to everything that was going on and just started crying. My emotions at that moment were so intense. Then I attended therapy on Zoom. I told my therapist the situation and she confirmed that what my boyfriend was doing was indeed emotional cheating. He said he spoke to her with the intention of being a friend, but it just bothered me how he's pouring all his time and words onto her, but not on me. Will I ever be able to fully trust him again? Aside from that, he told me that my bringing up his past constantly and telling him that he indeed used those girls back them caused me to kill the soft and gentle side he had for me. He also said he hated me for doing that back then. That he doesn't believe anything I say anymore. Nor does he believe that I genuinely care about him anymore. If I didn't think he changed or cared, then I wouldn't still be here. Nor would I have said a single word to him this week. I can't keep getting hurt. I'm constantly crying. I feel drained. Until his actions match his words, maybe I'll just spend my times alone for now. I've been engaging in some self-care lately. I got my nails done earlier. I had them cut shorter and painted red with a hibiscus-like design. For tomorrow morning, I will wake up early, go to the gym, and then go to my lash lift and tinting appointment. Ya know what? Let me handle my situation similar to how I did when Jennifer broke up with me (friendship breakup). I went to the gym almost every day off I had, worked as many overtime shifts as possible, and just poured a lot of energy into me. I think it's about damn time that I really remember who I was before my boyfriend came into my life. Yes, the intrusive thoughts about his past still come up, but it's mostly jealousy at this point. Because I care about him so damn much. If I didn't, then I would simply not even bother with him and go about my day ogling guys that look like Greek gods at the gym. Not gonna lie, my town's men are not that good-looking- as per my standards at least. I would've gone around talking to my guy friends and telling them I'm thinking about them. Moreover, I am a woman with values and morals. I'm not even friendly with men or women like that. I only really talk to other guys who are my friends when I feel it is safe enough to open up to them like family. Nor would I hide it from him. I literally tell him everything, so why hide it from me if it was harmless? I never really got the reason why he never told me about it. Man, I'm exhausted. I really hope I'll have it in me to implement my friend's advice soon. Act unbothered; live my best life; do my hair, nails, and makeup. Well, I hope I get this job so I can afford to do all that. God please let everything that is good start gravitating towards me. If it's not meant to be with Miguel, please give me the courage to walk away without feeling so defeated to the point that it interferes with my life. Please let me heal these wounds and turn this chapter of my book into a story that others and I can learn from. Honestly, I hope I do end up being the best woman he's had the opportunity of being loved by and the one who got away. Let him punch the air for a while. I feel like a glow up (inside and outside) and being the one who wishes him nothing but the best would be the best revenge I could give him. Not out of vengeance, but as a great parting gift to him and myself. Well, I have nothing else to really say at this moment. I shall write again soon~

Will things get better from here?

Wow, it's been a while. I don't know if things are getting better. Things have been quite rocky between me and my boyfriend. Lately, I just don't feel the same kind of love and softness from him. I feel like an annoyance and inconvenience to him because of the way he talks to me sometimes. He hasn't been initiating phone calls, messages, or acting as though he wants me around these days. Then, I had a gut feeling on Saturday- that he was talking to his female friend Mochi (the one he met at a convention back in 2023). I asked him if he was talking to her again, and he said yes, but when I saw the messages between him and her, I felt some type of way. Jealousy. Because he was giving her more attention and energy messaging her than he was with me, his girlfriend. The energy and attention I've been asking for for a while now. When I voiced my concerns, he instantly resorted to "She has a boyfriend!" Then I saw Mochi say "Thinking of you," with his response being "Thinking of you too." His messages to her were paragraphs upon paragraphs. When I told him about my discomfort, he asked, "Do you want me to delete her? Do you not want me to speak to her anymore?" I then asked him, "Would that be okay with you?" He was like "I would have to be." Then I was like, "Remember when you told me about how Katelyn (his ex) was speaking to Victor (former friend) behind your back, and after you guys broke up, she said she was talking to him and enjoyed their conversations together? Now they're married to each other? Well, it sort of feels that way for me. It feels like cheating. Emotional cheating." Then my boyfriend got belligerent and said, "If that is cheating, then get the hell out of my house!" I asked, "Why would you say that?" He responded, "If that is cheating, I would rather stay single. I don't deserve you, then. I don't want to see you right now." Then I said, "My friends are waiting for us at the restaurant." He says, "I don't care. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to shower." So then we went to dinner with our friends, and there was radio silence between us. After dinner with them, he took me along to the beach and we spoke for a bit. He took the Polaroids of us that were pasted onto the dashboard and sun visors of his car. When I asked him if he still wanted this and loved me, he said, "I'm not answering that. If I wanted to break up with you, I would do it myself. But right now, I just can't do it anymore. Give me my stuff back." Then I asked him, "Why do you want to keep the photos?" He said, "So I have a reminder of what I lost. And so I don't do it again." I told him, "Well, I'm still here. You can either work together, or we just go our separate ways." He said, "Well, I'll have to be okay with it. I'm kind of pissed right now because it's getting late and I have to go to bed soon, and I just wanted to watch the Manny Pacquiao fight. Let's go to my aunt's house. It's my cousin's birthday today. There's a party." So we then went to the party. There were a lot of people. I had a nice chat with his cousin Karina and her friend about nursing since Karina is in nursing school and her friend is a preschool teacher, which is something I can relate to since I'm a school nurse for special needs preschool kids. When I sat at the table with his parents and his aunts, his aunts kept asking him when he was going to put a ring on my finger and if I had asked him for one yet. I was like "Maybe in two years." Then his aunts told me, "He was always single because the girls wanted him, but he doesn't want them." Then I said, "Well, I chose him *points to him*." The party was fun, but the effects of the shot of tequila his aunt gave us the day after were not. We both could not sleep. 

Fast forwarding to the day after (yesterday), I was running on 3 hours of sleep, feeling dejected. I had not eaten or drunk anything due to the issue between us. Things had been weighing heavily on my mind since that night. I went to his house before he came home to pick him up, since my aunt said that her grandson has a birthday party and she said to bring my bf. His mom asked me if everything was okay. I told them, "I don't know if it's okay to open up to you guys." I was trying to hold back tears. His mom said it's okay to cry, but I had to try not to do so. Being asked if I am okay when I know I'm not hurts not only emotionally, but physically. It's as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I told them what had happened and what he said Saturday night, and how I haven't been feeling seen or heard, and how his friend has been receiving all the energy that I've been asking for. His dad said, "He said that to you?" His dad then told me, "I'm going to talk to Miguel. But first, you two need to have an honest conversation about how you both feel and what you both want from each other. Lay your cards out on the table." His mom said, "Miguel always says he loves you. he comes home for a bit, then tells us that he's coming over to your house. So it's strange that he would do something like that. It's okay. I'll talk to him." After that, Miguel and I went to my aunt's house. There I met her friends and co-workers who knew me from when I was a PCA, too. Man, do I miss working there. Zorina advised me to get in contact with one of the managers there and to email them saying I am willing to work any shift. So I followed what she said and called up the manager of 4A/4C Raquel. Raquel told me to apply for two positions (part-time day and night) once they become available to external applicants, since they're internal postings for the time being. Maria, the director of maternity told me that she forwarded my resume to all the senior directors. So I really hope to God someone will take me into the hospital soon. For now, I will have to stay grateful that the wonderful nurse whom I substituted for during her maternity leave is letting me pick up shifts for her for when she wants to use her PTO, and I have a small gig with the health fair nursing. During the party, he played with the children and enjoyed the food. Seeing him play with the children was endearing and told me that he was going to be a great father one day. I'm not sure if it will be with my children, but only one can hope. 

As for the aftermath after that incident with my boyfriend, he said he did not like that I opened up to his parents about our conflict because, as his dad said, "This is between you guys. But thanks for speaking with us about it." I did not do it to get him in trouble, but because his mom saw it in my face that I was not okay. He told me he also doesn't like that I'm justifying my actions. I apologized for opening up to them. His mom said I can talk to her anytime. His response was, "It's okay, but I need you to not do that again. If you do, I cannot stop you. Like I said, there's no need to apologize." He also spoke about how I told him not to tell the friend group about it, since gossip goes around and circles back to me. So I asked that he open up to others outside of it. When I asked him in the car, "Is your heart still in this?" He said, "I'm still in this. Otherwise, I would not be taking you out for ice cream. I know you like to have something sweet after dinner. And it may not seem like I'm paying attention, but I am." And then I told him, "Patricia usually gives you the benefit of the doubt, but since your actions aren't matching your words at the moment and you're not talking to me like a partner does, she says you're a chooch. Basically, a clown. She told me to end it with you if you continue to be this way. But here I am, hoping you will treat me better. My friends said not to let you talk to me that way or disrespect me. My brother also said to break up with you if you're treating me badly. I pray every day and night that things will get better, that one day we'll both get to a point where we're okay being soft and vulnerable with each other. If you ever talk to me or treat me that way again, I will have to walk away. That's not how people who love each other talk to each other." He said, "I'm sorry. I understand." 

For now, I guess I'll give him space for a couple of days or the rest of the week. I'll go reflect on things too. I do hope things look up for me regardless of what happens between me and him. I hope I don't have to water myself down just for him to be okay with me. God help me. Amen.