God thanks for another day...

 As the rest of 2020 progresses, I'm realizing that I should be glad that I'm still here. God, thank you for letting me fall asleep even for just a little bit tonight. Thank you for getting rid of my anxiety for those few hours of sleep. Thank you. Thank you for letting some of my lower back pain disappear. Thank you for helping me shed the water weight. Thank you for giving me a chance to live and breathe another day.

I just hope that things start to get better, and I hope my back problems go away soon. Please let my breathing problems go away and please get rid of my heartburn and my stomach issues. Please help me with my anxiety and help me stop worrying about my breathing. 

In addition, I'm really thankful for Mary and Erika. They've been there for me and listening to my problems and worries and still support me. I wish they will be happy in 2021 and I hope good things happen to them. I'm grateful for the late nights where they stayed up with me and made sure I eventually fell asleep. I hope we'll be able to do it again. 

Today I went to the therapist. We mostly discussed my health problems and my relationships with my family, my friends, and former friends. I've realized or actually I know that I tend to personalize things and blame myself 100% for things that two people or more should take the blame for. I wish I could stop apologizing for myself even though it's not necessary. I wish I could stop fearing the unknown and just live life. I wish my health problems would go away soon. GOD, PLEASE LET ME GET BETTER SOON. Amen.

God Please Bless Me With Good Health

 Dear God,

I am a nervous wreck right now. My back pain may have subsided in my lower back area, but the pain has climbed up to my thoracic spine. I'm scared. I'm scared of what my body is gonna be capable of in the long run. Will I be able to do things the way I used to? Will things go back to normal like before? All I want for Christmas is to be not have any back pain, to not have any breathing problems, and to lose weight. I'm not in the best state right now. I haven't slept well in days. Please let these issues go away. I beg of you. I want to be able to enjoy Christmas with the family and not worry about my health so much. It's very energy and time-consuming when I could be doing more productive things. God please let me sleep well tonight and wake up to see another glorious day. I beg of you.

As for my relationships with people, I hope there isn't any bad blood between us all. I just needed to disappear to find myself. I just don't want to worry about stepping on egg shells when I talk to them. I just don't want any of the toxicity anymore. I want to start a new. 

WC and I really hope 2021 will be an awesome year :)

          Remember when I mentioned that my back was hurting? Well, I've been going to the chiropractor for it and seeing a slight amount of progress since I began. Only thing is though, it gets exacerbated when I bend forward and lift things heavier than 10 lbs. So... In turn, my chiropractor has decided to take me out of work for a week. That means... I lose 4 days of work and I won't be paid for it because I have no more sick time TT^TT. In addition, I reported my work injury on Wednesday and automatically got Worker's Compensation filed for it. Honestly, I'm regretting reporting my injury because Worker's Compensation is more complicated than people think. It's a lot of paperwork and phone calls and making sure things are done correctly or lawyers will have to get involved. God, please help me. Please help me heal fully from my work injury as soon as possible so I can get back to taking care of my patients. Please let me get paid for the amount of time that I missed work. I can't afford not to be at work; I have tuition and bills to pay for. God PLEASE. 

        Aside from my back hurting, Mo and I had a fight about her lateness again. She called me psychotic, disrespectful, and self-centered just because I was upset about her lateness and because I was talking about my problems. I've been consoling her about her ex-boyfriend for a week now and she had the audacity to call me self-centered and foolish. Why does everything always seem to be my fault? Like I'm the bad guy for trying to cut someone off that I thought had changed their ways. She comes off very manipulative and she forced me to go to church with her, which was something I had to do against my will. Sometimes  I wonder if it's even worth continuing this toxic friendship with her because the more chances I give, the more misery I put myself in. I don't mean to sound like a victim, but others are noticing it too. She's a bit of a sociopath. She can preach and spit bible verses all she wants, but just because you're a God worshipper doesn't mean you're exempt from being a bad person. 

        God, please help me get rid of my depression and anxiety and help me find a hobby or something that doesn't have to do with eating, sleeping, and working all the time. Please let me find the motivation to get things done again. I just want to live a more productive and healthier life where I don't have to seek other people's approval. I wish to be independent of people and happy. Amen. 

I'm Over 2020 and Hoping I'll Just Get Better with Age

 So....I'm still dwelling on things I should no longer be dwelling on. I'm basically my own enemy and I'm sabotaging my own progress. Where do I begin?

Last month, I messaged my former childhood friend (I cut her off in 2018) an apology for what I did to her two years ago. It was a bit cathartic, but a part of me still has trouble forgiving myself and is guilty for making that mistake and cutting them off. They never messaged back, and I guess I shouldn't  be surprised. She probably still hates my guts to this day and I don't blame her. I cut her off because I just felt quite neglected since I began school and I thought we were gonna spend time at school together. But nope. She was always busy with her much cooler friends and sort of left me to deal with her friends that were nonstop fighting with each other. I felt like the referee. And the girl she was friends with was a bit difficult to deal with. She was just...mean. Also, I don't even know why I feel bad for cutting her off. She wasn't that good of a friend. Besides, she would always treat other people like her bestfriend and then they would end up just using her. She attracted a lot of drama too. Maybe I feel bad because we had been friends for almost 16 years, but also because I betrayed someone's trust. That, I have to say is the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I've learned from it and never vent things unless the person is actually trustworthy. I really have to learn to let things go. Fill the void with better things. 

In other news, I don't know what I did, but my lower back hurts along with my butt, my thigh and my leg. It's almost unbearable and I hope the pain goes away soon. I'm just praying to God that I won't be having any long-lasting damages and that I will be able to get back into good health soon. 

Moreover, my friend/co-worker who is always late was extremely late again. She's just very hard to deal with and she's been adding more stress into my life lately. Like... She was inconsiderately late by 4 hours and when I mentioned the city, she said that I would have to carry her bag for her. Also, she was basically threatening me when I asked what she would do if I tried to end things with her. I honestly think she's a sociopath. She's personable but also quite manipulative. I can't deal with someone like that for too long. It just adds on to my stress. God help me....Please help me become happier in life, not think about the past, and not be in pain anymore. PLEASE.

I have been through this before and I KNOW I WILL COME OUT STRONGER AND MORE POSITIVE THAN EVER! Hopefully for good :)

 When I'm not super-anxious, I'm probably quietly overthinking or feeling down in the dumps; which I am right now. I'm still in a period of solemnness and lately, I've just been feeling incredibly tired all the time. It's all due to my own doing; I have trouble letting go of things. I want to learn how to do that so I can live a long and healthy life not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Maybe taking a break from school is making me feel unproductive because it's the only thing that's keeping me passionate (it shows in my work) and I get praised for it. And perhaps my issue is that I'm always looking for someone's approval (I was criticized a lot growing up and still am). I want to be able to do things without craving praise or rewards. I want to start doing things because they inspire me and are the reasons why I get up in the morning (more like afternoon lol). Right now, I'm just in a rough patch because this year hasn't been easy. I lost my dog due to an illness on my birthday, classes became remote (not very stimulating, huh?), and COVID struck and is killing so many people. It's stressful having to deal with isolation and having to be extremely cautious when you do go out for the fear of contracting the virus. I'm just hoping that the virus and rates simmer down by June 2021. More importantly, I'm hoping that good things happen and hopefully there will be improvement in my mindset as time goes by (that I'm going to therapy). 

Aside from all that rambling above, I want to concentrate on therapy this week. Therapy was a bit more serious; I confided in my therapist that I've been feeling depressed and having those "thoughts," but not necessarily planning it out, because I know that I will get through this and that I'm a whole lot stronger than I seem and that if I've been able to carry on like this for a long time, then I'm definitely going to kick ass until I get very old. Though the uncertainty is killing me, I'm sure that things will get better. I WILL GET BETTER; I HAVE TO. THERE'S SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE YET). My mindset has to change and so does my lifestyle. It all seems to be stemming from the fact that I can't let things go. It's been like this since I was a kid and it will be a massive work in progress. Although I'm all about self-improvement and giving out advice, I want to start practicing what I preach. 

I also have been doing so much confiding to my friends that it seems to have taken a toll on them as well. I'll lay off for a bit and actually try to start working on myself. They're probably so burnt out that they've gotten short with me, or are simply no longer responding to my messages. I want to work on being less needy as well. I want to fix all my toxic qualities. I want to change for the better. I may have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was a kid, but I want to be able to keep moving forward and achieving things in life. Most importantly, I WANT TO BE HAPPY. Maybe I'll take a break from texting anyone for a few days so I can reflect on myself. I want to start to be somewhat of a Miss Brightside. I JUST NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP FOR FEELING THE WAY I DO; FEEL IT; PROCESS IT; AND TO BE PATIENT WITH MYSELF.

As for work, I've learned my lesson. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut about my personal life since my co-worker informed me about people apparently telling each other about the stuff I confided to them about and to think I could trust them. I really have to learn to be less gullible. Ugh.... This could be an incentive for me to start journaling again. That's it. I will get back to it. It kept me sane in high school, so I'll give it a shot to see if it helps me again in my twenties. I haven't written properly in a journal since high school, so I'll probably be a bit rusty. Lots of rambling, but it helps with the brain dump. Journaling for the win!

GOD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE HELP ME BECOME A BETTER, HAPPIER VERSION OF MYSELF. AMEN. 

Life Update: I'm Taking a Semester off and Other Things

 A lot has happened since my last post up here. Let's start off with the most recent thing that has happened this week. First, I went to my 23 year old cousin's wedding in Pennsylvania with a guy she just met 6 months ago. It involved a lot of socializing. I felt incredibly out of place and everyone was extremely talkative. My anxiety was a bit more social based. I was also very tired and cranky. Since the beginning of August, I've been running on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. 

Also, because I'm taking a semester off from school, the college therapist has decided to cut me off. So now I have a brand new therapist and I met with her on Tuesday. She said that my perfectionist attitude stems from the fact that I was discredited my whole life and that no one has really taken the time to understand me. My homework for this week as well is to tell myself "I'm anxious and that's okay." I've been telling myself this and it helps a bit. Moreover, I've told my therapist about all the stuff that's been bothering me and she said since it was only the first session, it is too early to advise me on everything. So we're basically taking it one issue at a time. I'm also fearing the unknown which is what contributes to the anxiousness. 

Right now, I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. I'm really hoping I'll get better like I did 3 years ago. I do not want to resort to medications just to fix my twisted mind. I'll feel like a zombie. I'm tired of being tired and cynical and being a hateful bitch. I want to be able to have the energy to say hello to people without caring what others think of me, I just want to feel free and enjoy life. I want to be confident. God, please let me become a better person as I get older. I want to get out of my head more. I want to just feel better. Amen.

I KEEP HAVING PANIC ATTACKS

           So this summer officially sucks. The coronavirus is still on the rise, my dog died on my birthday, I'm so concerned with not being able to sleep when I want, I stopped taking melatonin last night, my bank account is practically drained, and I keep having palpitations and it's been giving me panic attacks. I'm really feeling kind of hopeless right now because I have literally been to the ER for palpitations twice this summer and they can't find anything abnormal with my heart. All in all, I think it is stress that has been piling up these past months and I'm a massive nervous wreck right now. I've tried meditation and exercise; nothing is working. I'm even in therapy due to my dog's death. I'm even trying to do some grounding exercises and it's not helping. This year honestly just sucks. And my sister has been witnessing everything, but is very abrasive with her words of wisdom. I haven't been able to speak about it openly with my family because they all think I'm crazy. My sister on the other hand thinks I have obsessive personality disorder because I can't get these dumb thoughts out of my head. I've tried to stop stressing out over dumb things but it's so hard. Even my doctor called me hopeless. She said that I let every little dumb thing bother me and that I'm too young to be stressed. She tried to prescribe me Zoloft and metoprolol, but I said no because they have side effects. She said that she's gone through so many things over the years and that I have no real problems. She also mentioned that I'm such a nervous wreck that she wouldn't be surprised to find out that I had hung myself. Which was pretty fucked up. She's not entirely wrong, but that was very abrasive. She also said to pray to God if I believed in him. God, please help me get better soon. I need to be kept busy so that I'll be able to actually function normally again. God please let me get enough rest tonight that I'll be okay tomorrow. PLEASE HELP ME. Jasper, if you're with God right now; I hope you're doing okay and I hope you're watching over everyone from heaven. I just have to stop putting pressure on myself. 

2020 Sucks

         Remember when everyone was so excited for 2020? I'm not going to even sugarcoat it, but it's a shitshow! Some new virus is out and about and it's killing people left and right. Not only that, but the stock market is crashing and burning. POTUS definitely knew about the entire thing but decided not to address it soon enough. It went from being only in China to become a global pandemic. It's insane! Because of Covid-19, all schools and colleges are closed, malls and gyms are closed indefinitely, and the majority of hospitals in New York are filled to capacity. As a matter of fact, New York has the highest amount of confirmed cases in the U.S. has the most cases in the world! 

          China, Japan, Taiwan, and South Korea, on the other hand, have managed to somehow contain the virus for a bit, but China's flatline may be short-lived because people who have recovered are coming up positive again. God, please make this virus go away and let the senior citizens live their lives to the fullest. PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU! Moreover, I worked in the hospital two days ago and I somehow feel like an elephant is sitting on my face and chest. Something feels stuck in my throat and my chest feels tight. I try to cough out whatever is stuck, but nothing is coming out. I've been monitoring my temperature and so far no fever. God, thank you for protecting me from having a fever. Please continue to protect me and my family, as well as everybody in the world from this unwelcome guest. Please let me get better so I can work more diligently and help care for patients along with the brave nurses who have to come in contact with the patients who have it. GOD, PLEASE LET THIS ONLY BE A COLD. AMEN. 

P.S. please let there be a treatment or cure soon. But for now, please bless everyone with enough equipment and space for convalescence. I know you're trying your best, God. I believe that you will take this virus out of its existence. AMEN.