When I'm not super-anxious, I'm probably quietly overthinking or feeling down in the dumps; which I am right now. I'm still in a period of solemnness and lately, I've just been feeling incredibly tired all the time. It's all due to my own doing; I have trouble letting go of things. I want to learn how to do that so I can live a long and healthy life not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Maybe taking a break from school is making me feel unproductive because it's the only thing that's keeping me passionate (it shows in my work) and I get praised for it. And perhaps my issue is that I'm always looking for someone's approval (I was criticized a lot growing up and still am). I want to be able to do things without craving praise or rewards. I want to start doing things because they inspire me and are the reasons why I get up in the morning (more like afternoon lol). Right now, I'm just in a rough patch because this year hasn't been easy. I lost my dog due to an illness on my birthday, classes became remote (not very stimulating, huh?), and COVID struck and is killing so many people. It's stressful having to deal with isolation and having to be extremely cautious when you do go out for the fear of contracting the virus. I'm just hoping that the virus and rates simmer down by June 2021. More importantly, I'm hoping that good things happen and hopefully there will be improvement in my mindset as time goes by (that I'm going to therapy).
Aside from all that rambling above, I want to concentrate on therapy this week. Therapy was a bit more serious; I confided in my therapist that I've been feeling depressed and having those "thoughts," but not necessarily planning it out, because I know that I will get through this and that I'm a whole lot stronger than I seem and that if I've been able to carry on like this for a long time, then I'm definitely going to kick ass until I get very old. Though the uncertainty is killing me, I'm sure that things will get better. I WILL GET BETTER; I HAVE TO. THERE'S SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE YET). My mindset has to change and so does my lifestyle. It all seems to be stemming from the fact that I can't let things go. It's been like this since I was a kid and it will be a massive work in progress. Although I'm all about self-improvement and giving out advice, I want to start practicing what I preach.
I also have been doing so much confiding to my friends that it seems to have taken a toll on them as well. I'll lay off for a bit and actually try to start working on myself. They're probably so burnt out that they've gotten short with me, or are simply no longer responding to my messages. I want to work on being less needy as well. I want to fix all my toxic qualities. I want to change for the better. I may have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was a kid, but I want to be able to keep moving forward and achieving things in life. Most importantly, I WANT TO BE HAPPY. Maybe I'll take a break from texting anyone for a few days so I can reflect on myself. I want to start to be somewhat of a Miss Brightside. I JUST NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP FOR FEELING THE WAY I DO; FEEL IT; PROCESS IT; AND TO BE PATIENT WITH MYSELF.
As for work, I've learned my lesson. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut about my personal life since my co-worker informed me about people apparently telling each other about the stuff I confided to them about and to think I could trust them. I really have to learn to be less gullible. Ugh.... This could be an incentive for me to start journaling again. That's it. I will get back to it. It kept me sane in high school, so I'll give it a shot to see if it helps me again in my twenties. I haven't written properly in a journal since high school, so I'll probably be a bit rusty. Lots of rambling, but it helps with the brain dump. Journaling for the win!
GOD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE HELP ME BECOME A BETTER, HAPPIER VERSION OF MYSELF. AMEN.
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