A lot has happened since my last post up here. Let's start off with the most recent thing that has happened this week. First, I went to my 23 year old cousin's wedding in Pennsylvania with a guy she just met 6 months ago. It involved a lot of socializing. I felt incredibly out of place and everyone was extremely talkative. My anxiety was a bit more social based. I was also very tired and cranky. Since the beginning of August, I've been running on 4-5 hours of sleep a night.
Also, because I'm taking a semester off from school, the college therapist has decided to cut me off. So now I have a brand new therapist and I met with her on Tuesday. She said that my perfectionist attitude stems from the fact that I was discredited my whole life and that no one has really taken the time to understand me. My homework for this week as well is to tell myself "I'm anxious and that's okay." I've been telling myself this and it helps a bit. Moreover, I've told my therapist about all the stuff that's been bothering me and she said since it was only the first session, it is too early to advise me on everything. So we're basically taking it one issue at a time. I'm also fearing the unknown which is what contributes to the anxiousness.
Right now, I'm just mentally and physically exhausted. I'm really hoping I'll get better like I did 3 years ago. I do not want to resort to medications just to fix my twisted mind. I'll feel like a zombie. I'm tired of being tired and cynical and being a hateful bitch. I want to be able to have the energy to say hello to people without caring what others think of me, I just want to feel free and enjoy life. I want to be confident. God, please let me become a better person as I get older. I want to get out of my head more. I want to just feel better. Amen.
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