So not the Drama....

Someone please remind me to work a double shift next Christmas Eve. I don't know why, but every single year we go to my aunt's house to "celebrate" Christmas  Eve (rather wage wars upon each other more like it), either drama or a monotonous family gathering takes place. 

Anyway, this year, an incredibly petty and pointless argument took place. My sister hasn't uttered more than 3 words to me in two days, and I can't help but be concerned. Supposedly, her friend is upset at me for some unbeknownst reason and I'm not necessarily sure how I'm supposed to fix it. It's a long story, so let's begin shall we?

It took place during the gift opening where I drifted off into lalaland and I was thinking about how to pay off my tuition, since the payment was originally due January 2nd. Eventually I come back to planet Earth and all I hear is my sister's friend saying, "(My brother's name) is driving T (my friend) home and we're going home (basically, she's sleeping over)." To that, I respond, "Heh?" Then she goes, "Why are you acting so surprised?" and she has the only nasty face afterwards. There I am dumbfounded, and I observe her for the rest of the gift opening and she's still sour-faced and furiously typing on her smartphone to my friend about some bullshit. Fifteen minutes after the gift opening, we make our way out and I ask my friend, "Let's walk that way."  My sister's friend goes, "You can walk alone." I'm like,"What's your problem tonight?" She's like, "Your aunt and uncle are already making gay jokes about me and your sister, and you put me on the spot!" I'm like, "What are you talking about?" Then she trudges home all angry and whatnot, and I'm so confused. So we get to her house, and I'm like, "What's the problem? If I upset you in some way, then I'm sorry. Next time you have a problem with me, just say it to my face." Then she starts crying. Like, wtf? Dude, the minute someone gets upset about something, I get concerned. To continue, I asked her, "You've been getting jokes like this for a long time. Why are you letting it get to you all of a sudden? What are you mad about?" Still crying and wiping her tears, she goes, "Nothing. I'm not mad." Then I go, "What is it then? I hate seeing you cry!" Afterwards, she goes, "I'm just going to go home." Honestly, does anyone see how petty this shit is? I've been pondering about it for the last two days and I'm literally wondering...What the hell is her deal? 

No offense, but she's gotta grow some thick skin. She wasn't the only one being jeered at the entire night. My cousin was hurling insults at me about my weight and how I'm ugly and how no one will ever love me (romantically) the entire night, and I didn't flinch. Sure it hurts, but he's irrelevant as fuck. Like, he's probably just using his girlfriend to prove he's not gay himself. I hate people. Honest to  God, I wish people would just congregate and help each other out instead of competing and putting each other down just to climb up society's social ladder. The world would be so much of a better place to live in.

At this point, I'm probably not going to interact with my sister's friend anymore since she's just too sensitive. Also.... So I went to the movie theater by myself to watch a movie starring Jennifer Lopez and it was actually one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had in a while. I was happy being in my own company and just complacent with life for a moment. There's three new movies coming out and I think I'll see them all solo. Man....That was great. People should try to do things that are normally a group thing alone at least once in their lives. It's life changing. 

Story time over~

Peace out girl scout, 

        Nicki

Tabula Rasa...

It's almost the end of 2018; thank God 😩 I'm so ready for a fresh start. Reflecting on everything that has happened, I'm not going to lie; I'm worn the hell out. I'm 10 lbs heavier and still stressed and anxious as ever. As a matter of fact, I had a 15-minute silent crying session in bed because I did three 16-hour shifts this week and I haven't done anything fun in a while. The fact that I'm hormonal and on my period at the moment helped me get all this stress and toxic shit out. While I was crying, I was praying to God for better years to come, better friends, a more positive outlook on life, and a better year for my dad. He's gone through a lot this year. The fact that he's been sacrificing his mental and physical health despite being at his limit worries my siblings and I sometimes. I don't understand why my mother just had to leave. She could've just taken the time to work things out. Ugh. I don't necessarily hate her, but I've come to dislike her profusely. She never has anything good to say whenever she comes by and is always talking shit about my dad. Like, bitch; you're the one who wanted the divorce! He just gave you what you wanted! Moreover, my grandmother should probably move out and live with my mom soon because she's getting on everyone's nerves. 

In other news, my cousin just called my sister. Lol, I think she hates me for saying that her mom needed to stop taking advantage of my parents last year. Sorry not sorry, because I'm fed up with my dad complaining about it. She hasn't spoken to me since, and honestly I'll feel some type of way for a minute when she FaceTimes my sister, but at the same time I don't care because it's not like we talked that much anyway. It's whatever. 

All in all, I hope things get better soon. I'd also like to add that I got the .5 position I wanted! I'll finally get some breathing room. God is good. I hope he'll continue to answer my prayers. 

A Work In Progress...

           Lately... I'm just so burnt out. I just don't feel as peppy at work like I used to. I'm really not happy. Like....I know there's co-workers that I talk to outside of work via text, though it never goes beyond that. Somehow I feel as if I've built a wall between me and them; probably because I'm afraid that I'll be overstepping boundaries and parts of my personal life that I don't want other people to know will be leaked and circulated around. I'm almost 24 years old and I still care so much about what others think. I wasn't that self conscious when I was in high school to be honest. Maybe because I was immensely engrossed in doing well in school and staying in the nursing program that I rarely ever had time to give a rat's ass about what others thought of the way I looked or acted. I sort of miss being the quiet and invisible one. You know; the one who has no beef with anyone; at least not that I knew of. 

               Also, I despise the fact that I'm still dwelling on the person I cut off. I'm not going to lie, the shit I did was fucked up. I should've said it to her straight up when I had the chance to. But nope. I said it to someone else who ended up telling her. I guess the reason why I didn't tell her myself (I was planning on doing so eventually) was because I wondered if it was worth continuing the friendship or not. I mean....I guess right now I'm having a hard time forgiving myself even though she did (forgive me and called truce) through text. Honestly, I felt like I kept it going because we were just friends for so long. Besides, I don't know....The longer I stayed around, the less I was reciprocated. It felt one-sided. Moreover, the conversations just became more and more vapid and superficial. We did more rehashing of the past rather than catch up on something new. When something new did come up, it was drama about her other group of friends. I don't know man....Would I wanna talk to her again just to get some sort of official closure? Sure, but question is, would it even be beneficial? Maybe. Though the only thing I'd want in life is for this guilt to go away and to leave the world (when I'm like 100 years old of course) without having beef with anybody. 

                In other news....Things are just getting more and more difficult for my dad and it's sort of being projected upon me. He had a car accident last week while dropping me off to work and it was just...I'm more pissed off than sad that I'm losing money for no reason. Since my dad has already gone through so much shit this year, I might as well alleviate him of the burden by helping him out with some of the finances. Sidenote: By the way, this is one of the reasons why I choose to remain single. A divorce, getting transferred to a farther area for work, and a car accident; hopefully he'll be able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix or make like Ariana Grande after her own share of personal problems. Speaking of helping with the finances, I've decided to start doing double shifts again for several reasons. One, my savings have grown stagnant and haven't grown numerically since the start of last year. Two, I gotta help with the bills; three, I have a bunch of things I gotta save up for (California trip, which I don't know if I'm still going), and four, I just like looking at my bank account have lots of money. Not to mention, the holidays are coming! This year I don't know if I'm getting anything from anyone, which doesn't really matter because the older I grow, the less tangible the gifts I want become. Hopefully God and Santa will gift me with happiness, confidence, courage, strength, energy, and good health. 

                 What else is there? Today I had a presentation for my final paper in English and my nerves were shot. My professor asked a lot of questions and I felt as  if I was ripped a new one. On the bright side, I was one of the very few that got the class to engage and speak to one another. English this semester was undoubtedly hard as hell. More tedious than hard though. Remind me never to take a hybrid class again for the rest of my college career. It's extremely demanding and gives a lot of work. 

                   Besides school, work is just a pain. I'm just sort of over it. I wanna downgrade to a .5 so bad. I'm just so over .8. I feel like I'm there every day. I wanna be in school more and finish quicker. To make it worse, my manager is making me work Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day this year. It's fine because I need the money anyway. God, please help me get through this month as swiftly as possible and I'll be forever thankful.