A Work In Progress...

           Lately... I'm just so burnt out. I just don't feel as peppy at work like I used to. I'm really not happy. Like....I know there's co-workers that I talk to outside of work via text, though it never goes beyond that. Somehow I feel as if I've built a wall between me and them; probably because I'm afraid that I'll be overstepping boundaries and parts of my personal life that I don't want other people to know will be leaked and circulated around. I'm almost 24 years old and I still care so much about what others think. I wasn't that self conscious when I was in high school to be honest. Maybe because I was immensely engrossed in doing well in school and staying in the nursing program that I rarely ever had time to give a rat's ass about what others thought of the way I looked or acted. I sort of miss being the quiet and invisible one. You know; the one who has no beef with anyone; at least not that I knew of. 

               Also, I despise the fact that I'm still dwelling on the person I cut off. I'm not going to lie, the shit I did was fucked up. I should've said it to her straight up when I had the chance to. But nope. I said it to someone else who ended up telling her. I guess the reason why I didn't tell her myself (I was planning on doing so eventually) was because I wondered if it was worth continuing the friendship or not. I mean....I guess right now I'm having a hard time forgiving myself even though she did (forgive me and called truce) through text. Honestly, I felt like I kept it going because we were just friends for so long. Besides, I don't know....The longer I stayed around, the less I was reciprocated. It felt one-sided. Moreover, the conversations just became more and more vapid and superficial. We did more rehashing of the past rather than catch up on something new. When something new did come up, it was drama about her other group of friends. I don't know man....Would I wanna talk to her again just to get some sort of official closure? Sure, but question is, would it even be beneficial? Maybe. Though the only thing I'd want in life is for this guilt to go away and to leave the world (when I'm like 100 years old of course) without having beef with anybody. 

                In other news....Things are just getting more and more difficult for my dad and it's sort of being projected upon me. He had a car accident last week while dropping me off to work and it was just...I'm more pissed off than sad that I'm losing money for no reason. Since my dad has already gone through so much shit this year, I might as well alleviate him of the burden by helping him out with some of the finances. Sidenote: By the way, this is one of the reasons why I choose to remain single. A divorce, getting transferred to a farther area for work, and a car accident; hopefully he'll be able to rise from the ashes like a phoenix or make like Ariana Grande after her own share of personal problems. Speaking of helping with the finances, I've decided to start doing double shifts again for several reasons. One, my savings have grown stagnant and haven't grown numerically since the start of last year. Two, I gotta help with the bills; three, I have a bunch of things I gotta save up for (California trip, which I don't know if I'm still going), and four, I just like looking at my bank account have lots of money. Not to mention, the holidays are coming! This year I don't know if I'm getting anything from anyone, which doesn't really matter because the older I grow, the less tangible the gifts I want become. Hopefully God and Santa will gift me with happiness, confidence, courage, strength, energy, and good health. 

                 What else is there? Today I had a presentation for my final paper in English and my nerves were shot. My professor asked a lot of questions and I felt as  if I was ripped a new one. On the bright side, I was one of the very few that got the class to engage and speak to one another. English this semester was undoubtedly hard as hell. More tedious than hard though. Remind me never to take a hybrid class again for the rest of my college career. It's extremely demanding and gives a lot of work. 

                   Besides school, work is just a pain. I'm just sort of over it. I wanna downgrade to a .5 so bad. I'm just so over .8. I feel like I'm there every day. I wanna be in school more and finish quicker. To make it worse, my manager is making me work Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day this year. It's fine because I need the money anyway. God, please help me get through this month as swiftly as possible and I'll be forever thankful.