Sycamore's Fall

          
      I don't think I remember the last time that I actually posted on this thing. Life happens I guess. Perhaps not enough happens. What can I say? 

      So....Let's start off with my job. After 3 and a half years of working where I work, I just don't feel as motivated as I used to be. As a matter of fact, the excitement that I harbored on my bus ride to work while thinking of my favorite co-workers has vanished since I started working as a Float. I miss having this feeling of belonging with my co-workers during 5-minute staff huddles talking about how to "work smarter, not harder," and how we could improve patient's satisfaction. Boring as it seems, it felt nice having that sort of routine to start of your work day. Throughout my years as a Float, I felt my tight bonds become loose and everyone who was once a close friend slowly became a stranger who I occasionally exchanged awkward hellos and goodbyes, sometimes even small talks with. I feel like a gypsy or a fish out of water. It kinda makes Ariel from The Little Mermaid relatable now. Or was she always? Moreover, I'm tired of working 4 days a week. I feel like I'm at work every single day. Besides being in that building sucks the life out of me. It's like this blood-sucking leech reminding me to make the decision of whether to keep working in the medical field or not. Like, when did nurses even become robots? Where did the hands on, surrogate family, Florence Nightingale way of caring for patients go? Through all my years of being a nursing aide, all I've ever encountered were a bunch of miserable, perpetually-complaining, just-sits-there-on-their-phone-pretending-to-be-documenting, I-did-it-for-the-money jerks. Nurses aren't like what they used to be. They're not as caring or willing to get their hands dirty as they used to. I don't know I'm just sort of burnt out from all the manual labor, and the condescending treatment from some ingrates. I NEED A VACATION; A LONG ONE. 

      As for other things, I don't know why, but I'm still dwelling on fragments of the past. I don't know how my feelings of guilt fluctuate from that to intense dislike of some people I used to associate myself with. I feel as if since I realized how badly these people treated each other behind closed doors, I've come to realize perhaps I'm better off alone. I lost someone who I was friends with for a long time, but what bothered me the most was how she couldn't trust me about certain things and people who weren't even that close to her knew about it. That was basically a giant slap to the face. Perhaps if I wasn't trustworthy after all then I should've cut you off a long time ago. Sometimes I go back and think about how stupid I was to stick it out and give people my time and attention when they weren't even going to reciprocate it. It's stupid. Which is why I've grown cynical over the years and built a wall. But eh...It's over. The only closure I needed was the silence leading up to the end of the friendship. Like my friend's brother once said, "Friends are seasonal. Family and soulmates are forever." This is just my way of self-reflection and probably letting go of the emotional burden that I've been carrying lately.

Until next time,
Nicki