Another one....

I want to so badly get away from everything. It's all causing me to go insane. I don't know....It would also be nice if people would reach out to me first before I did. I'm always the first to do so. I guess people just don't care. I'll have to give up. Slowly, I'm losing all my friendships one by one and realizing maybe this is a sign: 

            It's time to move on. To stop forcing and moving on from things that aren't meant to be. I should stop doing that. I have to go somewhere else distant and make an attempt to find myself. Perhaps I'm not happy because I still don't know what my true calling in life is, and I keep having to hold myself back from doing the things I want just to make others happy. I'm fed up. Sometimes  I wish I was just nonexistent. Or at least able to take myself away from everything. I need a vacation. VERY BADLY. 

           I feel as if ever since I graduated from high school, all I've been doing is work my ass off and not do anything that made me happy. Moreover, it's a little hard to have some confidence in myself since people in my family have done nothing, except put me down my entire life. It may seem like I've developed thick skin, but there's several layers of shattered self-esteem in there. Perhaps that's why I try better than doing my best in things and I just give up when I can no longer do better at something. It's never an in between thing though. 

            Also, it would be nice if there were someone who can just hear me out and not judge me or say things when I'm not asking for it. I vent to people, but then they just stop listening. I don't know. This is why I'm cynical. Thinking of the worst helps me brace for impact. I'll stop trying to chase after people from now on. I'm tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

           When I was young, I always thought that growing up and being in your twenties was going to be a fun thing. Who knew it was going to be a process where one has to work incredibly hard just to achieve happiness and success? How annoying. I'm still trying to figure out the significance of life. I think I want to focus on that for my upcoming philosophy class. I'm intrigued by the notion of it. Life seems to be one of those things that will keep hurling obstacles and hardships your way just to see how strong you really are in a holistic way. Then, once life makes you reach your limit; you snap. I'm on the verge of snapping. Ugh. Perhaps I'm already at that level. I can definitely say for a fact that there's people on the same level as I am. Everyone has got to be fucked up in some way possible, no matter how much they insist that they're normal. Well, I'm off to bed. It's time to out this rant to rest.

Yours truly,
Chick who needs a vacation and coffee ♥️