Things Might be Getting Bad Again...

           Ever since I came back from my trip to California, things have been going awry with my relationships with people (some of who I want to end my friendships with, but they just can't seem to take the fact that we're no longer on the same page anymore) and as always, my circadian rhythm is all sorts of messed up. God, I really wish I could just be on good terms with everyone and have some peace of mind. Recently, I've been engaging in several types of self-sabotage (e.g., sleeping at 5 or 6 a.m. when I know I have work at 3 pm, eating junk, and not doing anything productive at home, except just laze around all day, and vent to my other friends about people who I having issues with). I don't know why, but I've just been too lazy to get things off my chest via blogging. Hopefully today's entry will be cathartic and help me brain dump. 

         On Friday, I had an altercation with a co-worker/friend via text because I blocked her for not following up with our plans. I guess the blocking feature on my phone didn't work that well because she was still able to call and text me. I was quite shocked with what she had to say. I've never seen her so belligerent in our last three years of knowing each other. She was cursing me out and telling me that I was a self-centered bitch for not asking her what was so bad that had happened. Moreover, she was the one who fell asleep on me when I tried to call her before blocking her. All I did was call her out on her chronic lateness and forgetfulness of the plans she makes with me. Yes, I know there's been several times where I have dodged her, but it's because of that reason. She made me wait 2 hours at the Ferry on two different occasions, and that almost gave me the impression that I was stood up. Not only did she call me a self-centered bitch, but she also went on to say that I'm hard to get along with and that I'm the problem not the other people I've got issues with. First of all, I'm not the only one to blame in every situation, because it's pretty obvious that the people I'm having issues with are the ones who are not getting the memo that we're just not improving by continuing the connection. I know I haven't been the best of friends to some people, but people aren't perfect. I've at least tried to be as kind and loyal to them as possible. I even went as far as to take the blame and was forced to apologize, which was kind of preposterous. I always answered her questions about and listen to her complain about her boss and her love life and I would get one or two words in throughout every conversation. To be honest, if she couldn't be civil while having an argument, then who knows what it'll be like in the future if I continue with her? 

          I'm self-centered? Aren't there multitudes of other people who are as well? God...Please let things go well for me from now on. Maybe I'll go to counseling tomorrow....

24

        Hey, it's been a while since I did some reflecting. A lot has happened in this month of June. From planning my LA trip to turning 24, it's been quite a ride! There was some turbulence since my mouth got me in trouble once again and I had word vomit and I might lose another friend due to a misunderstanding, but I am hopeful that it'll fix itself with time. 

        Planning my trip with my friend was somewhat irritating at first because it was hard to get her to answer the phone because she's at work and rarely ever keeps her phone on her. Moreover, there were some name issues with her airline accounts, so I had to fix that. I must say, planning trips is stressful. Aside from that, it would be nice to include more people in the future because the more the merrier right? Hopefully it will be exciting and fun because my friend and I are very introverted individuals and I don't know...She's kind of boring sometimes. I'm the louder one out of both of us. 

         As for my muck-up with my friend from the other day; I'm kinda sad and feeling stupid and guilty about it. I texted her saying that it was okay if she couldn't come to my birthday dinner last Friday because she said she was waiting to ask her dad for money and because she hates asking him, and she's broke. I also said there was always a next time. I didn't want to force her to come if she didn't have the money for it. I was trying to be considerate. Thing is, I asked her twice and once more (two days before the dinner) and she couldn't confirm whether she was coming or not since there was a reservation set up for her, me, and two other people. She wasn't giving me a direct answer. It was only after I said it was okay if she couldn't make it that she said that "she was gonna come," and then asked me if I cancelled my plans. Then I told her no, and that it was okay if she couldn't come because she was broke and I didn't want her to ask her dad for money and spend money that she didn't have because of me. I don't know man....I really didn't mean any harm, and nor did I mean to sound as if I was uninviting her. I really wanted her to be there, but she's been struggling financially recently and I didn't want to be a burden. I asked her once more the night before the dinner if she was still coming and she said no, so....*sigh* God, I hope things will mend themselves, because I feel so guilty and can't stop thinking about it. 

        Moving onto my birthday dinner, I had dinner at the Chocolate Factory with my college gal pals K and Elsie. The food was so good and we were so stuffed after. Let's just say we had wolfed down almost an endless supply of chocolate-based desserts and some alcoholic milkshakes and sangria. There was also this tall and buff restaurant manager that K kept making googly eyes at, since ya know...What's a single chick to do with such a handsome Adonis whose jawline and body looked as if he was chiseled by Roman gods, but to feast her eyes on? He looked like he was going to burst out of his shirt any minute with his muscular chest and arms that could turn even the toughest chick into a damsel in distress. At the end of dinner, K finally mustered up the courage to ask about said manager, inquiring about his relationship status and other stuff. K was hoping not to leave her ego empty-handed; instead it was bruised. According to the beefcake's female co-worker, she gets asked about him a lot by female customers and he gets a lot of compliments due to his physique. To get to the point, the female co-worker told K that he has a girlfriend and is "on the road to engagement." Anyway, girlfriend is a lucky woman, and I hope they have a nice and happy marriage. 

       

You Know What This World Needs?: Less Self-Righteous People

            Today was both mentally and physically exasperating, especially when you're around self-righteous individuals. You know, the kinds that think their shit don't stink just because they're so "considerate," and not the type to say exactly the first that comes to mind. Let me also add that they love to rub in the good things that they do for other people and my sister. Oh yeah, I forgot to introduce this one particular individual: my sister's clingy sidekick/ bestfriend, Nicolette. 

                 You see, Nicolette is a pain in my ass. She loves to argue about the dumbest things with me and loves to call me out for being blunt like I give a shit. First of all, I'm not one to sugarcoat things. Besides, people WANT to hear the truth even if it hurts them. Her idea of being "considerate," is holding back and faking it till you make it. And that's not my thing. Anyway, today was my sister's graduation and me, my friend, and Nicolette went to watch her end her college career. I told her about how I was going to nuke my brother's girlfriend's face (because she's got a lot of acne) and how I was gonna get her some skin care stuff (I was planning on getting some for my sister too). To get to the point, that didn't sit well with Nicolette and she started rolling her eyes and calling me an asshole. Like okay. That's not gonna help you. Besides, I asked his girlfriend about how she felt right after and I was sort of trying to help her since my mom keeps shaming her about her acne. Nicolette is an asshole herself too, just an implicit one. Also, let me tell you about how she burned $30 on flowers (that were going to die anyway) for my sister and went on to tell her that she and Tanisha (my friend) chipped in, while I didn't. Um, okay. As if my spending money on groceries, monthly contribution, and paying the entire family's phone bill isn't gift enough. Lol, fuck that. I'm over Nicolette and her bullshit. This is why she's still single and can't seem to find anyone else to bother other than my sister. She thinks she can take my place and paste herself into the family picture. Yeah right. Maybe I'll just ignore her from now on. Let me block her on Instagram too while I'm at it since she keeps creeping and reporting what I post on their to my sister. 

               People who act like they're so high and mighty and think they're genuinely altruistic make me sick. If she were genuinely nice, she would practice what she preached and shut her piehole. UGH.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, HERE'S AN OUTFIT APPRECIATION PHOTO:

THIS OUTFIT GIVES ME LIFE. THESE PAPERBAG SHORTS AND THIS DRESS SHIRT HAVE SOMEWHAT GROWN ON ME TO BE HONEST.

BYE!

-SASHA

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Summer 2019 Entry #1

            Once again, the weekend has flown by in the blink of an eye, and never fails to boggle my mind. I'm kind of sad it's come to a quick end because I feel as if not a lot of exciting things have happened yet. I wish it would slow down a bit so I can enjoy it to the fullest.

             Today, my classmates from A & P II (minus one of them) and I went to brunch around 1 P.M. I must say the restaurant had a nice aesthetic to it; the kind that makes you feel at home and cozy inside. Though the only con about the place was the small amount of room that it has to accommodate people. The food was pretty good and is just like all the other diners' foods. The most unique thing they did have was the avocado toast, topped by arugula and olive oil; it was healthy and had a bland, but pleasant texture, complemented by the naturally sweet avocado.

              Speaking of one of our classmates that decided they couldn't come at the last minute because their feet were hurting from their cousin's engagement part and my two other friends K (long brown hair) and Elsie (the one with the nose ring) were pretty disappointed at her last minute flaking. When we all were finally at our respective homes, K messaged the one that flaked and told her she thought that her feet were "hurting," because she saw a picture of her in a car on her way to some other place than her house. That was some shade-throwing man! It was surprising too since K is usually a sweetheart and rarely ever gets mad 

               After we went to brunch, we decided to check out the newly opened shopping outlet located by the Ferry. My friend K bought a couple of lounge wear while I opted for a striped matching set from American Eagle, which was quite a nice bargain since there was a 70% discount of its original price. I'm actually happy with my purchase. Thank God for outlets!

              On another note, I think I made my friend mad because I kept teasing her about her drunken shenanigans from last night. For some reason I feel guilty because she stopped responding all of a sudden after I returned the favor for her "I love you," and said it back teasingly saying, "Also, I'll return the favor. I LOVE YOU TOO. I HOPE YOU'RE CRINGING LOLOL." I've been dwelling on it for almost an hour now and I followed it up with a "You're probably mad right now, so I take it back. Sorry." I've asked other friends for their input and they said to back off for two days. So I guess that's what I'll do. On second thought, she just responded and I think she's still recuperating, or the fact that I said, "I love you too," got her shook. Welp. Guess I'll let the hungover girl be. 

             One more thing to add, I will be doing a 16-hour shift tomorrow because I need the extra money for bills and other luxury items. God, if you can hear me; please let me have a nice, uneventful shift tomorrow. Please let me have the strength and patience for the patients and adversities that I might have to deal with tomorrow. Moreover, may my monthly sickness not cause me too much pain. AMEN. 

                 

It's Finally the End...

          Hey, so the spring semester has finally come to an end. In addition, I'm glad to end the semester on a positive note for various reasons. First off, I was quite pleased with the surprising turnout of my grades for both of my classes. I initially thought that I would get Bs for both of them despite the amount of extra credit and work I do, but thank God my hard work paid off. I'm happy to say that I got an A for my COM 100 class and an A- for my Anatomy and Physiology II class. I'm gonna be honest; I didn't do so well on my A & P II Final, but with a stroke of luck, I made the cut off to an A-. My initial prerogative was to get an A for at least one class, but I got it for both. I'm so happy about it. I sound redundant right now, but I can't help but rejoice. Both classes weren't that easy either. Oh, I've also made some nice friends (I hope we all keep in touch). 

            Another thing worth mentioning is that my former friend is finally graduating college tomorrow. We didn't end on the best of terms, but I'm happy she's accomplished her mission and is onto the next. I would also like to say that I'm glad she's graduating because I'm sort of just put in an uncomfortable position (mentally) whenever I saw her on campus as I'm leaving to go home after my A & P II lecture. All I can say is that, I can finally go to and leave my classes without having to have any awkward encounters with her ever again. Good riddance! The guilt still haunts me at the back of my head to this day, but I just want to finally be free from these shackles! God, please give me the courage to finally forget this nonsense and let bygones be bygones. What a sigh of relief!

           What else is there to mention? Oh yeah, my grandmother is leaving the house to go live with my mom (that's a long story I wrote in my actual journal). It's sad, but it needed to happen a while ago. 

               I have also met my sister's triplet friends for the first time and they're good kids. They do get a bit too close for comfort at times, but I guess they're alright. Their NP brother is a bit awkward though. He should hit Tinder up sometime to brush up on his A-game (homie has little to no game). He's also gotta change his outlook on things and stop being so damn hetero-normative and homophobic. His ultra-Rightist beliefs are a bit too much for millennials, considering he is from the Y Generation and he's sort of a walking paradox. He's not ugly, but a trip to the gym and a bit of soul surgery should do the trick. 

            Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GODSON TERRENCE. YOU RULE! Okurrrrrrrrr xD 

That's all for now,

Thanks for attending my TED Talk. See ya!

          

Here we Go Again...

         As I've said before, I've deleted my Instagram, Snapchat, and very seldomly log on to Facebook anymore. I only created a new one because Jannie wanted me to so she can tag me in her inspirational break-up or forever alone quotes that she posts on her Facebook account. After seeing all my co-workers' political propaganda and pictures of their kids and "candid" selfies, I grew tired of it. The oversharing man...I'm beginning to agree with Keanu Reeves. Like what he said about having nothing to say about anything, I've run out of things to say or post about anything. I feel like we as a new generation spend more time trying to look like we're doing something relevant, rather than actually getting shit done and feeling fulfilled. 

       Though I do wish email is as popular today as it was back when it first came out. I feel like emailing someone feels nicer than instantaneously getting a half-assed short response in return. Well, pretty much because it gives you something to look forward to and you get to think about what you say and proofread it before you hit send. 

       Anyway, that's all I have to say. Let me go make an attempt to study what is left of my biology chapter about the urinary system.

Hasta mañana,

Nicki 

I just wanna be happy....

Dear God,

So it is 4:36 a.m., and I have yet to experience some shuteye. What's better than spending this time to get things out of my chest? As I was deleting my Yahoo email account, I stumbled upon some old pictures from high school. Oh those were the years...The wee years where I was young and wild and free, and of course; the years before the I had to take real world head on before I could even experience going to college. What can I say? Some things are out of our control and it's up to us how we handle such adversities. 

To continue, I've got to say....I miss my old self. I was nicer, meeker, and less rowdy and less reckless with my words and actions, thanks to the restrictive nature of my parents back then. Now that I've broken out of these metaphorical chains, I'm a bit lost as to how I want to conduct myself. I miss old Nicki. Moreover, I wasn't as codependent on my friends as I used to be and I wasn't as glued to my phone anticipating notifications that will rarely, if ever even appear. I was so content in being by myself. No drama, just that feeling of monotonous tranquility, with some study-related stress. I went from this wallflower to this tree that has lost some of its leaves through the seasons. By leaves, let's say I've lost a few people who are no longer a part of my life. I just felt like the giving tree. You give so much, and get nothing in return. 

Oh, and by the way, I've deleted my Instagram. Yes, I've done it again. I don't know....The likes and comments from friends and seeing what they're up to all the time isn't as fulfilling as it used to be. What I'm trying to say is that, if social media is supposed to be bringing people closer together, then why is it that when they're finally close to each other in the flesh, they're not connected to each other mentally and emotionally? There's no meaningful interaction going on. Moreover, I feel like I've just grown out of it. I've grown out of trying to doll myself up to take one perfect shot. To try and show others that I'm not having the worst or most boring time of my life. It's all fake. I guess Juniper is right. Why take pictures of things instead of experiencing them? Being in the moment? So that's exactly what I've been trying to do. Since I deleted that thing, I've been able to get things done and be on top of everything. Not to mention, I've been studying like hell for my exam that's coming up on Thursday. Godwilling I will pass and I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally pamper myself, which is something I haven't been able to do in so long. 

Another thing worth mentioning is that, Ramona and I had a fight; AGAIN. I feel as if everytime we talk, I end up upsetting her and we end up having the same conversation over and over again about how I'm being a shitty friend by neglecting her (how?) and that I value people who don't care about me as much as I care about them. To conclude, I called her out for the first time on things that she's done to me and her faults in our friendship and we've come to an agreement that we'll try to make the friendship as two-sided as possible and we'll try to work on the issues. Hopefully things work out in the long run. Because I was so close to losing another leaf. 

God please help me and make the rest of this year a good one.

Lots of love and thank you always,

Nicki