I just wanna be happy....

Dear God,

So it is 4:36 a.m., and I have yet to experience some shuteye. What's better than spending this time to get things out of my chest? As I was deleting my Yahoo email account, I stumbled upon some old pictures from high school. Oh those were the years...The wee years where I was young and wild and free, and of course; the years before the I had to take real world head on before I could even experience going to college. What can I say? Some things are out of our control and it's up to us how we handle such adversities. 

To continue, I've got to say....I miss my old self. I was nicer, meeker, and less rowdy and less reckless with my words and actions, thanks to the restrictive nature of my parents back then. Now that I've broken out of these metaphorical chains, I'm a bit lost as to how I want to conduct myself. I miss old Nicki. Moreover, I wasn't as codependent on my friends as I used to be and I wasn't as glued to my phone anticipating notifications that will rarely, if ever even appear. I was so content in being by myself. No drama, just that feeling of monotonous tranquility, with some study-related stress. I went from this wallflower to this tree that has lost some of its leaves through the seasons. By leaves, let's say I've lost a few people who are no longer a part of my life. I just felt like the giving tree. You give so much, and get nothing in return. 

Oh, and by the way, I've deleted my Instagram. Yes, I've done it again. I don't know....The likes and comments from friends and seeing what they're up to all the time isn't as fulfilling as it used to be. What I'm trying to say is that, if social media is supposed to be bringing people closer together, then why is it that when they're finally close to each other in the flesh, they're not connected to each other mentally and emotionally? There's no meaningful interaction going on. Moreover, I feel like I've just grown out of it. I've grown out of trying to doll myself up to take one perfect shot. To try and show others that I'm not having the worst or most boring time of my life. It's all fake. I guess Juniper is right. Why take pictures of things instead of experiencing them? Being in the moment? So that's exactly what I've been trying to do. Since I deleted that thing, I've been able to get things done and be on top of everything. Not to mention, I've been studying like hell for my exam that's coming up on Thursday. Godwilling I will pass and I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally pamper myself, which is something I haven't been able to do in so long. 

Another thing worth mentioning is that, Ramona and I had a fight; AGAIN. I feel as if everytime we talk, I end up upsetting her and we end up having the same conversation over and over again about how I'm being a shitty friend by neglecting her (how?) and that I value people who don't care about me as much as I care about them. To conclude, I called her out for the first time on things that she's done to me and her faults in our friendship and we've come to an agreement that we'll try to make the friendship as two-sided as possible and we'll try to work on the issues. Hopefully things work out in the long run. Because I was so close to losing another leaf. 

God please help me and make the rest of this year a good one.

Lots of love and thank you always,

Nicki