Contemplation

 Today I had an interview with another hospital in the same town. At last, one of my prayers have been answered. Thank God. The interview lasted a little more than the standard half hour, though whether they will select me still hangs in the air. The interviewer asked me scenario based questions, my strengths and weaknesses, and how I handle being under pressure, as well as constructive criticism and correction. Although I was a little nervous and fidgety, I quite enjoyed our conversation. I really hope I am the one she selects for this position. If not, then maybe it's not meant to happen right at this moment. Maybe I'm meant to go back to the hospital I used to work at. If so, I hope the opportunity comes around where I am given a sign that I am. I really miss working there. I miss working in a team and being part of the reason why a patient strives, thrives, not just survive. After I got home, I was so overcome with emotion due to everything that was going on and just started crying. My emotions at that moment were so intense. Then I attended therapy on Zoom. I told my therapist the situation and she confirmed that what my boyfriend was doing was indeed emotional cheating. He said he spoke to her with the intention of being a friend, but it just bothered me how he's pouring all his time and words onto her, but not on me. Will I ever be able to fully trust him again? Aside from that, he told me that my bringing up his past constantly and telling him that he indeed used those girls back them caused me to kill the soft and gentle side he had for me. He also said he hated me for doing that back then. That he doesn't believe anything I say anymore. Nor does he believe that I genuinely care about him anymore. If I didn't think he changed or cared, then I wouldn't still be here. Nor would I have said a single word to him this week. I can't keep getting hurt. I'm constantly crying. I feel drained. Until his actions match his words, maybe I'll just spend my times alone for now. I've been engaging in some self-care lately. I got my nails done earlier. I had them cut shorter and painted red with a hibiscus-like design. For tomorrow morning, I will wake up early, go to the gym, and then go to my lash lift and tinting appointment. Ya know what? Let me handle my situation similar to how I did when Jennifer broke up with me (friendship breakup). I went to the gym almost every day off I had, worked as many overtime shifts as possible, and just poured a lot of energy into me. I think it's about damn time that I really remember who I was before my boyfriend came into my life. Yes, the intrusive thoughts about his past still come up, but it's mostly jealousy at this point. Because I care about him so damn much. If I didn't, then I would simply not even bother with him and go about my day ogling guys that look like Greek gods at the gym. Not gonna lie, my town's men are not that good-looking- as per my standards at least. I would've gone around talking to my guy friends and telling them I'm thinking about them. Moreover, I am a woman with values and morals. I'm not even friendly with men or women like that. I only really talk to other guys who are my friends when I feel it is safe enough to open up to them like family. Nor would I hide it from him. I literally tell him everything, so why hide it from me if it was harmless? I never really got the reason why he never told me about it. Man, I'm exhausted. I really hope I'll have it in me to implement my friend's advice soon. Act unbothered; live my best life; do my hair, nails, and makeup. Well, I hope I get this job so I can afford to do all that. God please let everything that is good start gravitating towards me. If it's not meant to be with Miguel, please give me the courage to walk away without feeling so defeated to the point that it interferes with my life. Please let me heal these wounds and turn this chapter of my book into a story that others and I can learn from. Honestly, I hope I do end up being the best woman he's had the opportunity of being loved by and the one who got away. Let him punch the air for a while. I feel like a glow up (inside and outside) and being the one who wishes him nothing but the best would be the best revenge I could give him. Not out of vengeance, but as a great parting gift to him and myself. Well, I have nothing else to really say at this moment. I shall write again soon~