Consistency...

             I really should start posting more often because a lot weighs on my mind when I don't talk it out or write about it. I used to blog often, but I've gotten lazier as the years passed by. I kind of missed the mousy and bookish version of myself, who was just okay with fading into the background. It was a lot easier that way. No drama. Not as many emotional or internal struggles. Not as plagued with overthinking nor caring about others, that could give, for lack of better words, two shits about me. The emotionally independent version of myself, who was fine with staying in her room, just writing about anything that came to mind. Where my silence spoke louder than any word I could ever speak. I miss my nonchalance and detachment. I want her back. Where I was able to just release my expectations and fixate on things that mattered. I HOPE I GET HER BACK. 

                As for my relationship with my boyfriend, I really hope he will keep his word and treat me with genuine kindness and care from now on. I have cried too many tears to keep up this emotional tug-of-war. I'm feeling holistically exhausted due to the lack of consistency and change on his part. A relationship is a two-way street. It cannot work if only one person is trying to make it work. I pray to God that things will get better. If not, I pray he gives me the strength to walk away from things that are not meant for me. I pray that he will give me a man who is the answer to my prayers. A man whom I feel safe to let my guard down around. A man who will provide, as he says, and is kind and gentle when faced with challenges and conflicts. A man who can control his temper. A man who is kind to his mother. A man who will not make me cry tears of sorrow or misery. A man who is not shaped by toxic masculinity and is genuinely kind. A man who is faithful to his woman.

            Not just a man. AN ACTUAL MAN. Don't get me wrong, he's a good man. However, like any human being, there is always room for improvement. I don't want him to be better only for me, but also for himself. I don't want him carrying the weight of resentment towards himself for the rest of his life. I want him to do this because he wants to. I do not want him doing this against his wishes. May he become the man for me as well as the man he wants to be, or may I be given the courage to walk away from someone I love~

            Aside from the emotional heaviness I've been experiencing, my boyfriend is out of town for the week. And now, I have free rein to carry out my week the way I have to. Well, I always do. Though I guess this is my chance to come back into my element as the woman I am in love with. I fear that I have neglected her for too long while overfunctioning in this relationship. Hence, this is why I am pouring all my thoughts here. I have not done this since July. It sucks how I only ever do this when things are weighing heavily on me, and there's no one to really talk to who gets it. I have to get out of that routine. Let me get back to being the girl who enjoyed her alone time and held her own. Time to show this blog some love again. MANIFESTING ✨

            On another note, I went to a Brooklyn Cafe with my sister's triplet friend, Reenie. It was quite fun. The kind of lowkey, chill, not over-the-top fun. Where I could be the quiet listener and observer. I have been feeling quite under the weather since this winter began, so it was a good way for me to conserve some energy. Besides that, I'm quite thrilled that Reenie is breaking into the dating scene and putting herself out there. I sincerely hope she meets the perfect match for her, and her search will be cut short. May he make her feel loved and let her do the same without overgiving. May she not just accept the love she thinks she deserves. See the book reference I'm making? 😉 Let me share the photos of today's moments. This is all I have for now. Until then, to God be the glory 🕊