Dwelling...

          The fact that its July already has me feeling some type of way. So...A lot happened in these past four months. From frequent doctor visits and a mental breakdown that I'm currently recovering from, it's been a lot of weight on my shoulders. Even though I try to find people to blame, it's actually my fault too. Why I make myself so vulnerable to people's opinions and criticisms against me; I'm not entirely sure. From April 3rd to June 2nd, I went to a therapist. Though she's given me a lot of advice, I'm a bit stubborn so it's taking me A LOT of work to follow it. I really stop being an ASKHOLE (people who ask for advice, but do the opposite of it). I sorta miss having someone to vent my issues to, but I need to start fighting my battles; BRAVELY. 

          I've always thought that by the time I finished my teenage years, that I would've resolved some of my petty insecurities and stop caring about the things that people thought or said about me. Nope. It did not end there. Recently, I've been having trouble with getting over people that I shouldn't even be caring about anymore. I guess it's because I've never really severed a connection with people before. The connection is usually lost simply through us drifting apart because some of us have changed numbers, or it's become this one-sided thing where you're the one trying to reach out to them all the time. While it's quite tiring, I have no idea why I'm still stupidly trying to reach out to them like the desperate fool that I am. I'm not a big fan of change. It needs to be resolved one way or another. I have to stop taking things personally too. I have to accept the fact that people come and go, and that if they did actually care about you, then they would mutually try to keep the connection alive. 

        Speaking of irrelevant people, for some reason one of these girls who I was classmates in elementary school, went to the same school with in middle school, and had mutual friends with in high school, blocked me from all social media for some reason and I don't know why. I even went as far to have our mutual friend send my apology to her if I did anything wrong and weeks later, she messaged me about saying she doesn't want to be friends and such. She could have kept it short and said that she just doesn't want to be friends instead of telling me she wants nothing to do with me and that she doesn't have to explain why. Even our mutual friend was affected and probably doesn't wanna associate with me anymore, since every time I text her she ignores it anyway. So as a result, I unfriended them both. On a better note, my ex-bestfriend forgave me for not being able to show up at her baby shower. I went to her house before work to apologize and gave her the baby shower gift personally. With her, it didn't dawn on me that we couldn't be best friends anymore till she explained to me how we've drifted apart and that we don't really talk anymore, not to mention that she's now a mother and she doesn't live at home with her parents anymore. We won't even be able to hang out every weekend like we used to since I'll be busy with school and work, while she'll be busy with raising her son with her fiance. Eh...Life has a crazy way of working things out. I guess...It really is time that I let go of those who no longer find me near and dear to their hearts, and that I need to start focusing on the ones that still care about me. 

        I celebrated my 22nd birthday this week with my friends and family. I'd have to hold the three cakes that I had accountable for my 6-pound weight gain the past week. I really loved how my childhood friend and her boyfriend were thoughtful and had the restaurant staff bring out cakes and sing me happy birthday. Yup, they're definitely keepers. 🙂 I forgot to mention that I was on vacation. Unfortunately, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Godwilling that staffing will put me on a good unit to work on with good co-workers and nice patients. Hopefully this work week will go by fast. Until next time!

-Nicki